Late Youth Anger Issues

I'm not afraid to show weakness but i don't do it for pity. I do it because sometimes i am weak, and i like to explore my dynamics... my ups as well as my downs.

I've started to notice and accept that my childhood friends are all gone.

Also, I'm starting to accept that having a good friend that will always be there for me is no longer a reality. I've always had that until last year.

This is a hard time in my life. Everything is stacked against me right now, but even so, I've tried hard to see through the blockages and find something hopefull and act upon that thing.

I have a lot of internal issues.

I have anger problems rising that i never had before. And here I am a child in the body of a 30 year old. I've gotten by fine until now.

The logic I used to have that drove me, dones't make sense anymore.

I dont know what my motivation is anymore and I dont like how that makes me feel.

My mind is so distorted right now.

I get really nasty towards people that i let into my life if they betray me.

I'm getting good at cutting insincere people out of my life without a second thought, because of the pain that i've been caused in the past from them.

But this dones't help me. its just me getting reveng on life and it dones't really help me get ahead.

I know a place that loves me - Sacred Grounds coffee house in tampa florida. I love them too.

I hate my life! I want to change - i always try to change the inside of me first when something is wrong... but you have to do both... sometimes at the same time...

Usually the only thing that makes me feel less trapped at times like this is packing all my things.

I have this whole attitude of this right now:

-nothing is working out
-i can't get to the bus station
-transportation is too much money
-i hate the town i am staying in
-progress is just going too slow
-i have no support group
-theres no soul in my lifestyle
-theres no foundation
-i give up
-i've learned that i am broken
-i've learned that i am damned
-i've learned that having friends is a priveledge that I can no longer afford.
-I feel hopeless
-all my dreams are dust now

Captive Dogs

Pets cause me great stress.
I've cared for animals all my life - and if an animal needs a temporary home, I try to help if noone else wants them - but i find a home for them at that point as soon as possible.

Dogs are a problem animal.

If you are going to have a dog... TRAIN HIM!

...and do it right.

Make your dog obey you and understand rules and commands.

If you dont - you're gonna have problems, your dog is going to have problems and your neighbors are going to have problems.

I've been wondering tho - why are some dogs so bad?

And what is it about our place as humans - to decide what bad is in a dog?

I think its whatever we want it to be. If we want a dog to not bite our kids, we usually wait for the dog to bite the kid, then we beat the dog - right?
Sound bad to you?
Maybe you are more humane than that... your dog bites a child, and you have it put in an animal shelter or put to sleep.
So you see - the humane thing to do is to train your dog before it does something you can't live with.
Every dog is different
and every home is different
You have to teach your particular dog how to live in your particular home.
You have to develop rules that you want your dog to live by
You have to establish a language with your dog.

"no" is a good start.

When the dog messes up - say no... stop being nice to the dog. Show him you are upset.
make it unplesant. Jerk his chain, make a loud noise, just make sure its something that the dog doens't like. Eventually he will learn what "no" means. Best if you dont have to yell it.

"good boy" - positive reinforcement. How does the dog learn what you want him to do? Teach him that "good boy" means "you are doing what I want you to do". When you say goodboy - always reinforce it with a loving touch, a treat, a smile and a gentle kind voice - or whatever the dog responds best to - without being too animated and obnoxious.

"Sit" - this is simple for dogs to learn and has no wow impact - it is important tho... because this is an easy way to teach your dog to do an anction on command. Once you establish this protocall, the dog has unwittingly learned to obey you - at least when he wants something.

"Outside" - used when house breaking

"Inside" - same

"Stay" - used for a variety of things. Get the dog used to waiting for a command or permission for key moments and places. This teaches the dog to listen to your voice and to remain still, and to be truely obediant.

"up" and "down"

these are just more commands to help your dog fit into your home better.

So - How will you train YOUR dog?

How will he end up fitting in to your life?

Will he be happy and servant minded?

Or will he be confused and think he can do whatever he wants, and constantly get yelled at?

Or will you LET him always do what he wants and LET him be the alpha - and let him stress your life to points unknown, and cost you lots of money and terrorize your family and friends?

Peace Train

I been thinkin about peaceful environments...
i been styin at this place...
the dog barks
the bird squawks
the roomates listen to howard stern
there's some nice things too tho
noone smokes
there's food
shower
i'm treated pretty well in general

but i'm on the train now - and...
was just thinkin how its really my type of thing
because i feel peaceful here in this train.
I don't fully know why
but i know that i don't like cars.
It dosn't really matter why a whole lot -
I mean - i'm satisfied that i like the train
but i tend to want to know how things work so...

I could say its because i dont have to tal to anyone
Or because I get my own huge seat
Or because the scenery is nice...
riding a little bit above most everything else
or because there is no traffic to stress about
or because theres no radio to stress over

speaking of that - i just put on some headphones
listening to Pat Metheny - Letter From Home
He's one of my all time favorite musicians.
His music is sorta like... rythmic dream scapes.
...with a jazz edge

So Im on the train - heading for NYC
wow it seems like such a romantic notion
with my favorite music playing

I don't listen to music very much.
I dont realy know know
I do know that im very sensitive to music tho.
I really need to listen more.
I just think ill listen to stuff that i know i like.
The experimental days
the days of tollerating music
those days are factually fading...
yet, my mind is opening.

I'm learning who i am -
what parts of me i can accept
I need to always choose that path
that will acend my spirit
Because its up to me
in the hard times
in the dark times
to choose to be strong
and in the light and bright times
to choose to take it in
not resist the good path
the good stuff
the stuff i like
the stuff that I feed on.

The water is out the window
with power lines above it
I really love it here
I love writing
I love being romantic about life.

We're just about to hoboken now
That's where I'm gonna get off -
and maybe make some phone calls.
I also need to find my little mp3 player
at home for later - i already looked ones
so I'll have to listen on my laptop
till i find it.

Did i ever tell you about the time i started writing?
I dont know. I think i was 14.
I mean really writing - from the heart.
I sought to find my truth.
I was learning music...
I was learning about myself
I was struggling
it wasn't easy at all.

A little rusty, formless at first.
Then of course, it started getting easier.
I started to feel more

I have a habit of shutting down my head
I have a habit of seeing everything around me
but not feeling what I see.
Music really helps that

Ya know.. I've done LSD and I'm not ashamed of that...
it helped me to shake my head, to see what I seldom could see
to know about this substance... called trippy
romantic feelings, spirit feelings
intagibles, metaphisics
trippy

but not silly.

We are all blind and bound.
In some grave way.
Life,
My past experiences,
Friends
people i have met and run into
NEW EXPERIENCES
new feelings
adventure
exploration
experimentation

I dont care anymore... about what people think
but i have to admit -
they don't always recieve me well
Even when I am honest
Even when i know I am being true
Even when I know I am a part of that thing called Love
Even when i mean no real harm

Yeah sometimes i speak challenging things -
and thats why
some poeple reject me or speak against me
thats ok
I choose to challenge sometimes.
I sometimes get tired of the normal range of safety
I sometimes want to ask someone to go
on an adventure with me.

This train ride seems longer than its ever been
I've also enjoyed it more than I've ever enjoyed it.
I am starting to feel at home.
Maybe one day I will feel that I have a home... again.
Of course, I miss my home
with mom and dad and all that.
I have 3 older brothers too - and I guess I miss them

But I am 30 - and yet, so young.
I have much to learn
much to begin to appreciate.
Ok I think we are here - i gotta turn off the laptop
and head out to panera bread!

Banks are Difficult

yeah. I dont really know whats up with this whole banking thing. I mean, I'm glad to have a bank account, especially after all the troubles I've had in that dept. But for real, banks only staying open till 3pm? How am i supposed to handle that?

I mean, I get up around 2 most of the time.

I'm gonna look into other banks, but I don't know if they will accept me. We'll have to see! Right now, I'm with Wachovia. I like them. I don't really wanna change banks at all... so. We'll see if any other banks are progressive enough for my low money and late sleeping pattern.

"We have just the account for you Mr Mayes! You're important to us - you will be glad to learn about out "sleep late and don't have any money" account."

See, what happened today was, I went to ride my bike to the bank and it was closed. I checked the hours the other day - i must have looked at the wrong address. But it is a paid to ride that far - i have to go up a huge hill plus its sometimes raining and always cold. I think i am done with the whole bike riding thing too. I'm not really that excited about riding bikes up hill. I'm patient, and like to walk. Sometimes I find cell phones on the ground... i just have to get a power adapter for it. It's broken tho so it might blow up in my face. But i know its got a lot of time left on it.

I talked to the guy in the "local" photography store and thought he was very cool. We talked for hours about social science... from a street/artist civilian view.

I'm listening to my music right now - and its sounding nice - i dont always like my music. I have to get over that someday. I really like listening to my electro stuff and my more soulful vocal stuff.

Ok I'm out - gonna maybe write some in another one of my blogs now.

Societies Love Squares

some say-

I hate people
everyone is so stupid
noone loves me
nothing's going my way
you always make me feel stupid
everyone says you're an asshole
nothing i do is good enough for you
you never support me

These are paradigms of infant thinking.

I like to call them fractional thinking...

because you are only using a fraction of your mind when you say things like these.

If a quick fix can't be found, it is brushed under the rug, without patience, and so perpetuates a habit of whitewashing an issue... or that of unplugging the seatbelt light as it wear. Then there is no need to wear a seatbelt is there? Why didn't someone think of that sooner?

Please... as if.

What is so bad about dealing with an issue as tho it is not square, like most urban fascilities? This goes for large societies as well as small families and dating couples just the same.

Think more... smoke less.

Truth kills Good and Bad

In my mind and heart - there are no absolutes
there are no rules.

it might be good to make a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich one day
while the next, it might not be a good thing to do because I might have a stomach ache

One day, it might be good to give a homeless person a dollar
But the next, it might be bad... because I might decide that that the homeless person is a fuck face

One day I might get down on the floor and hug and love a dog
The next day, i might see a dog, and not hug it, because it looks dangerous

One day i might write in my blog and think that is a good thing
The next i might not, because I dont have anything to say

One day I might encourage someone with kind words
The next day I might try to destroy them with hateful words, just because I am upset.

There are several books, lists, and teachers who try to tell us what good is.

Which ones come to mind?

What rules and standards come to mind?

Are they always true?

I think- less and less that good is always good.

I think more and more that only I can decide what is good, and only for myself, and I can change my mind whenever I want.

Isn't this true in common practice in society? Very few people know what they want... from day to day it changes.

So I think it is true for all choices from brushing my teeth, to deciding if someone lives or dies.

Don't we all decided to let several people live every day because we choose to?

This is not because there is a list of absolutes.

This is because of our choices.

There really is no good.

There really is no right.

There is only suggestion.

There is only history.

There is only choice.

In the human mind, we are basically blind.

We use our mind to predict the path of chaotic elements.

It is truely impossible to do this accurately - but we get close.

In morality - unlike in space, we cannot predict how something we do will make another person react. This is because we are programmed to choose.

Therefore, there is no absolute good. There is no absolute way.

In my mind, I have choices. I am not bound by laws, I choose to act according to the desires I have within my surroundings. If I won't get caught and it harms noone, I might break the law. If I desire to harm someone in breaking the states law, but not to get caught, i might choose to attemp this. It is not good or bad in my mind.

We are defined by our boundaries. Our boundaries are - fire, gunshots, knives, slander, murder, jail time, hand cuffs, k-9 units, armed forces, commitees, and shame.

These things limit us and cause us to act within a boudary, thereby, defining us and influencing greatly, our profile of protocall and patterns of energy and action.

This is what we know of as satan, bad luck (luck comes from the word lucifer) and bad karma.

Good karma on the other hand is when we expect to get something pleasurable from some sacrifice that we make.

When we "place others above ourselves" we expect to recieve the same. But in reality, we are trying to get the cosmic father to sign a form inwhich the fine print states "all services that I recieve, both solicited and unsolicited, shall be worthy of its wages and paid for in full"

I don't see the idea or notion of karma as being practical, and in fact i see it as being a misleading fantasy

Some people have trouble sleeping at night because they feel unsettled about an issue that they feel guilty for.

Lets talk about this. An action was unctioned. (unction is a derivitive of the word function meaning 'to work') Then later, the notion of that unction was retracted, while the actions and propogation of that moment in time and space still lives on without absolvance. (absolve meaning to fix or forgive). This is indeed where we need the idea of forgiveness.

Lets talk about forgiveness. Its something we prescibe to regularly - because we change our minds so much. We do something we feel strongly about one moment, and later ask for forgiveness for. This is convoluted and perverted. Are we several people each? No, we are each one person with several oportunities to choose. When we have chosen to do something in the past, and we choose to contradict that in the future with an opposite action, we have not become a new person, no. We have simply changed. All of us change.

Why are we not ok with this? Because we want to be able to predict the action of those around us. We want to identify and fix a lable on all people. Is this good or is this bad? It is neither. But it is true.

Once a person has acted, we subconciously calculate that the probablility of that person choosing the same way in the next chance, has risen. In other words, when someone acts, we witness it as their personality. Instead of viewing each time as an isolatd case with variables, we assume and simplify things to a 3 year olds way of thinking and we amputate 90% of our minds by assuming that this person is a simple machine with no virtue of dynamics, living in a clinically isolated chamber of super controlled constants. Is this right or wrong? It is neither, but it is true.

When we look at our past, after we have changed our views, we feel regret. We regret that we didn't know better. But most of all, we regret that we hurt someone... perhaps knowingly or unknowligly.

If we give this just 2 more steps or so of thought, we see that it is silly to have regrets.

We acted according to who we ARE. We are not good, and we are not bad. We simply are, and have a wide range of colors that change every moment. People need space.

It is of no logic that we should become angry at a person. To be angry, makes you a fool. If you are angry, this means you expect better of a person. What right do you have to expect better of anyone? People each have as much power and life force as you do. No more and no less. You have no right to tell them how to use it. There is no right and wrong, there is only suggestion, and there is only manipulation.

Do what you want. This to me, is the whole law of action. We each have minds capable of calculating probability of the paths of things following your actions. This is accoutability.

Accountability is the ABILITY to COUNT - both into the future and into the past. With this commonly bestowed human gift, we are able to make choices based upon the likely path of the outcome. But, there is no guarantee of accuracy.

In this, we need Tact.

Tact is the aquired skill of accomodating others with gracious words to cause them to react with a desired state of mind.

The opposite of tact is Antagonism.

Antagonism is the act of inciting emotional discomfort in an opponent in order to bring forth a desired result

I hope you have enjoyed this mind storm.

My Blogs

Dear Readers,

Its been quite a while since my last post in this blog thing. Its been over a year. I'd like to say a few things about this and other blogs i've posted.

I have volumes of posts going back many years. Some are at geocities - which i intend to link into this blog somehow. I will find a way to put it all into one place eventually. I have blogs on my home page... which may have been completely lost now - well - it might be retrievable from my computer back home - or it might be on my external hard drive - I'll check tonight.

But I intend to use this blog for the rest of my life... so hold it dear to you.

I'll try to include pictures as well.

Life has gone through mnay changes - many of which i have not ever written about - but I intend to write about my past as well as my present in this blog over the next few years.

Its intersting to note - for the first time ever - I was able to speak of the next few years. Today feels like a very solid change in my heart - and that's what partly prompted me to set up and reinstitute this blog thing.

I have much to talk about. Stay tuned.