I really wish i was in the woods right now. I hate when I'm in society and dont have money - eventually - even if i did have money i'd spend it all - and then I'd just have my tools - which i never sell or trade away. Tho i cut things i dont need. I dont wanna live as a robot. If i had money I'd just get more and more tied down by social relations and want to break away.

Tonight I'm feeling a need to choose. Will i live in society or will i become one of those people who just lives to his own wanderings. I hate the DIRECTION society is going in and i hate that I am not sold into it completely because if i was i woulnd't have such problems - then i hear someone say - "You'll have problems everywhere you go" then i say "well then i might as well be where i'm most comfortable - and thats not locked into society"

I've managed to almost make myself free. You know, I never really did it. I just have one ongoing relationship which i happen to have recently fostered - with a band. I should tell them about this and tell them to hang on until i get back from my soulsearch. I also have some paintings to sell, and a church to play at on sunday morning. I can't believe I get suckered into this stuff - sometimes its not being suckered but being PUSHED into it. If I'm gonna stay in society it means I'll be subject to the waves of poeple pushing me around. Its not as bad as it once was tho. But for now, I only took his offer because I'm still gonna be in town by then.

The only other issue is my girlfriend. I need to be completely cut off from her and everyone else in order for this to work. This is what I have to do.. and if i dont get my way, then they will lose me. I know that they will worry about me. Maybe they will stop worrying and then one day forget about me. I would really like that but it can't happen.

I used to tell myself "I just have to make it through this weekend... " and i made it through the last one and was expecting to be home free... maybe i should go and cancle the amp i have on layaway. I dont want that over my head while I'm trying to free myself from the soil of society. Maybe I should sell my car once dad writes it over to me and become a woodsman. i really just wanna be an animal in the woods. I wanna just hide from all people except those that are like me.. those that dont scare me or try to eat me...

My car helps me to be safe - to run from what? It's a shelter and it holds my belongings securely. It's security. I can hide in it. I can run away in it. It's a crutch. It's a vehicle. I could use it to do "good" things. I hate so many things. I hate society. I hate violence most of all. I even hate eating plants. I hate everything that i have to do to stay alive. I hate chemical reactions inside my body. I hate ups and downs. I hate downs and i like ups but i hate the system of both fighting against one another for cerebral space.... percieved time and place. Perceived perception.

I want to build a fire but you cant do that here in this subdivision... and even if i could, it would go out and I would fall asleep late - much too late to get up in the morning to provide services to redeem for funds to facilitate keeping my place owned by myself so i could build more fires at night... perhaps fire is like anything else - too much of it will harm you. Go to bed at sunset and rise at sunrise and while you sleep, you will stay in the shelter and in the warmth of your abode.

Who will go with me? Who will stay gone with me? Who will travel? Who is searching for the same things? Who will help me and let me help them find ourselves and keep ourselves?

While I'm away, I'll write... maybe it will help someone - maybe I'll become a teacher, a healer. Thoughts heal.

So... what will i do with my car? I'll use it as a tool to aid my tribe, my family. I will not call it evil, but for the fact that I have to pay the institutions where insurance comes from, a fixed periodic fee. $100 a month? Would this be my rent? Yes, and would save me from having to rent my car priveledges as well as a house.

I will not stay, I will go. This time, in my car, this time, my way. I'm glad I was able to pay my insurance for my car - my last payment and now my dad signs this van over to me. I'll watch it carefully and cherrish it as my vehicle to great places and my mobile home such as a turtle has in his burrow or a snail has under his leaf. Or such as a kangaroo baby has on its mother. I can not stay. I must graze and gather and share. I must not become stale and stagnate. I must not be what i fear; i must not live in the way I despise.

I'm not sure about destiny - i would like to find out tho. Meditation can bring truth but can also bring false faith in illusions. I dont want to be lost in lies. I want to live in the truth and be true to my heart. That is my only truth and the place in which my only crime can be done.