everything has become pointless and meaningless. ive become like an animal. im like a mimicking bird or lizard who sings a different song for every situation - or wears a different set of rags for different occassions. i have only one motivation in life... to stay off the streets and out of my mother and father's charitable home. I'm 28, and a musician and i am not playing anything really good... except for the occasional riff here and there.
i've changed. im dead. nothing means anything to me anymore. i see the little ants tho... when im trimming the bushes and i blow them off the branches before i cut. When i see the limbs i've cut to the ground, i know ive hurt something, killed something. I'm observing. i have no hopes and no dreams. I'm hollow inside. There's no tread on my tires. How is it that I'm even still here? Maybe I'm not even here. I might as well not be.
When i die i believe I'll just cease to exist. I don't believe in heaven any more. I don't believe in hell any more. I don't believe in god or love. this is how ive changed. Everything we say and teach is meaningless. We are just animals. Why do we pretend to be something more? Why do we complicate our lives with ceremonies and standards? With institutions and enforcement?
Life is a spinning ball of mud, a shivering chime of a bell. By the sweat of your brow you labor and then return to the ground for from earth you were taken and to the earth you will return.
-unless this was pointed out as a precursor to salvation - when all who have died will take on new incoruptable bodies. We have to be earth and die in the spirit first... according to the adamic tradition... the stories.
now im so tired. ive been working more lately than ive ever been used to. I dont sleep at regular shifts. I hate going to sleep and i hate waking up. Constantly we are dragged through phase after phase of trials. Everything i do is not enough. I feel insufficient in all things. in my personal expressions i have few rewards.
there is bery little i can hope for. i hate life and i hate this lie, this blindness, this futility. i hate christians and i hate the lost. i am full of hate but it never shows in the obvious ways. it comes out in other ways. I dont yell or carry around a sign. i dont want to be healed... FROM WHAT? is healing going to make the world go away?
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