hello!!!!! :)

I'm not really that happy - i can't get happy lately. There is no such thing as a good thing any more. It's all relative - perhaps... why does that matter? What's it relative to any more? Nothings relative any more.. because i have no absolutes. A shrink once told me - there is no such thing as normal. Man what a miserable life to lead if you believe that. I told him that God is normal. He is our rock and our standard, i thought to myself. Now, i've lost that natural response. I've become like that shrink.

I used to ride a rollercoaster up and down with soaring highs and terrible lows. I was HOT and COLD now i am just luke warm. Yes God, i know, you will spew me out... go ahead, i can't help it. It't your choice and do whatever you want with me. As long as it's you doing it i dont care where you send me... as long as its your choice and as long as i know you have to live with what you do with me. I've given myself to you. I've let go of everything i believe - i've let go of everything that made sense and of everythign anyone has ever taught me.

The only fact is that which has been experienced by one or more of the senses. Everything else is heresay and speculation.

I used to plan my life. I used to have standards for myself - standards that i placed on myself alone. I've also lived in total yeild to my heart for a season. Both had advantages. Both were growing and enriching times. Now... what am i? what do i have? what fuel and drive do i have? What is wrong with me?

I hate to say this - to reveal the key to my mysteries - but i've gotten a girlfriend for a year now. I've always been very hateful and cynical but now that i am with her, i've learned to be a really bad person as well as a really good person. I've learned that what i think and feel doesn't mean shit. It's made me really sick and angry at her and at myself. Being with her has brought out an ugly side of me i never knew could exsist. I have hated her and loved her. I've learned things about myself and people that i never could have known. It has not been a plesant experience. I've resented it for the most part - it's hurt me probably more than it's helped me. I hate myself and i hate life. And we aren't even married nor do we have a child or plans to get married. I just hate my life - probably because of knowing her. I guess its nature - it's not her fault. Nature brings you together so that you can make babies and stay together... I've faught nature and i suffer for it perhaps. But she is the only girl i have been in a relationship with. We probably almost didn't happen.

I hate everything

Love,

Matt