Sacred Pain

I rode in the cold rain to rehearsal after noone showed up to pick me up. My girlfriend was at my best friends house recording her album with him. Later i got home and started to just go crazy. They hadn't returned any of the messages i had sent them online and they were online. I called her and said something in an angry voice and used a cuss word and hung up on her. I had told her that i've been home since fucking 9 pm waititng for her to say something. It was 11 pm. I got dressed in black and went out in the yard and trimmed the bushes in the rain, waiting for her. It felt like an hour passed, and my rage rose and i would yell as i cut the really big branches. Once, i stood in the front yard and yelled from deep inside my body and to me it was very resounding and fulfilling, as it sounded like an animal that was meant to express such barks and howls. I found another large brazilian pepper tree to trim, and to cut eventually to the ground. I somehow found my way back inside. I can't remember much of the events nor do i care to after that - nor do i want to repeat them.

Love will prevail. Yet i hate love. I want to live, yet i would love to see myself bleed and eventually fade away.

I am killed regularly and brought back to life. What if i were never to come back? Would i find peace?

While out in the darkness with the small drizzel of rain drops falling all over me, i raised my cutting sheers up to the sky and positioned my hands on the metal after the rubber handles and pointed the cutting tips straight up and said in a medium voice "someone please tell me now how I can be happy and not kill myself or die prematurely." Then i was cutting branches again and found myself repeating that. i said it outloud about 10 times before walking to the front yard and screaming.

Later, i was on the phone with shannon. I had checked my messages before and she hadn't left any messages. So when i called her, i asked "Would you like to tell me where you are?" She had left my friends house, so i found out, right after i called her, and said that she and my best friend couldn't be friends any more or record her album. And now she says - it just seems silly, that album any more. Well, on the phone she told me she dind't come over because i had cussed at her and hung up the phone. I thought she would sense the urgency and come right over and see to me about my matter. I don't have a working car so i can't drive over there. That's part of my griefe as well. But she had been hiding something grom me all this time- she didn't want me there because she wanted to feel like she did this album on her own without a boyfriend. it figures, she never wanted to do music with me and that's maybe why - she just can't feel proud of herself when her boyfriend is participating with her. She needs to feel proud and she can't unless it's on her own. So she is alone and so am I because of this, because she wounld't explain that to me and let me let her do this. So now we are wondering what to do - to break up or whatever. I am still so mad at times. But also i feel sorry at times for not reading her fucking mind. God - just like on her fucking birthday that she says I messed up. What a bitch. man I hated her for that bull shit. I hated her so much - at that time, she was my worst damn enemy. She had gradualy brought me down to the fucking slime of the gutters... And said it was all my fault. Bitch. She is just controlled by nothing more than her emotions and her lack of self control. But more objectively, she feels ashamed and stupid in most real life situations, yet i applaud her for trying, Yet I am discouraged when i see that all she cares about it looking smart. She wants to be proud of herself and feel like she is someone she can love and adore. She hasn't had this in her life and this is the thing i have been careful to help her to feel... the natural faith i have in her and how i want her to grow. She admits to me openly now that she doens't know herself. Yet, she doens't want me to help her. In fact, she wants to break up for a while just so she can find herlself. Its hard to say wheather or not I've wasted my time with her. And maybe i can still move on - I don't know - I think all women are "crazy" and it takes time to develop the right mutual respect and trust so i figure - i should just stay with her. I admited to my faults and was sincerely sorry and offered what ideas i could... to help our situation. I had earlier told her I didn't want to be firends with her or John, and if i could i would do that, but they are too close to me and I will never be able to live without them. I have learned to let myself love and now she says she has always been that way and she needs to learn to live without people - on her own. To me, this doesn't make a lot of sense... maybe she just worded it badly. Which is another thing she doens't believe in - she doesn't believe in wrong, or bad, yet she feels constant guilt. She tells me i am always cutting her down and i dont know where she gets that from. I do consider some things she does to be wreckless and distructive and futile, and wasteful and superstitious and weak and empty and habitual and ritualistic however. But that is stereotypicaly how she is. I know her pretty well and she is classically all of those things in many cases. I just want to see her happy with herself without needing those things... those distractions and diversions. And frankly, she embarrases me around her friends because of the ways she tries to look smart, and carrie's on in controversialy typical fashion, just as a fundamental born again dogmatic will harp over an over on sin and salvation, she harps on whatever is the opposite of that, as if we didn't hear her the first time, or as if she didn't say it well enough the first time, and has to keep repeating herself in an effort to be good enough and to finally feel validated. So i have a lot to put up with. When i met her she was singing with me on stage... impromptu and i liked it, i liked her. I knew i could be close to her since she was so musical but she never once has played or performed with me on stage... and she is making me suffer so profoundly because of her standards and limitations and fears. i have to choose to either wait for her or find a different, better life for myself.