shaved my head

well i finally went off the deep end. Knew i would didn't you? I shaved my head. this makes it even harder for me to so the pressing things i feel the fear to do - to get work and all that. Now i look and feel like a complete utter idiot! I have to wear a hat everywhere i go now. I hate the shape of my head and i hate the way i look when i have no hair or even short hair. it'll be a long time before it starts to look good again and its gonna be hard to manage and just a pain in the butt.

I've been still feeling horrible lately - my room is a mess and i am a wreck. i was glad shannon showed me that she loves me and is still into me. We kissed in her room and in the airport... serious good long kisses... like Big Red. Shoot - tomorrow is garbage day - that means i have to haul out the huge garbage can full of all the broken furniture from my room. from the back of the house. But - yeah i have had this nervous feeling in my stomach for over a week now. maybe two. Right when everything seemed great and fine - something bad happened again. I felt horrible - shannon's mom just made me feel terrible... without any regard for my feelings. She slanders my name. She says things and thinks things about me that aren't true. I'm worried that she will come between me and shannon.

i sit and wait. i am alone. i have no value. no home

i'm an idiot and a old man - a loser. a failed artist - failed at life. noone believes in me! its true - the world is only trying to destroy you - so they can live and succeed by stepping on your head.

i hope things get better. Its not easy to feel this way and to do anything...

I hope i can get an apartment in sarasota of my own without shannons mom's help