Florida

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Late Youth Anger Issues

I'm not afraid to show weakness but i don't do it for pity. I do it because sometimes i am weak, and i like to explore my dynamics... my ups as well as my downs.

I've started to notice and accept that my childhood friends are all gone.

Also, I'm starting to accept that having a good friend that will always be there for me is no longer a reality. I've always had that until last year.

This is a hard time in my life. Everything is stacked against me right now, but even so, I've tried hard to see through the blockages and find something hopefull and act upon that thing.

I have a lot of internal issues.

I have anger problems rising that i never had before. And here I am a child in the body of a 30 year old. I've gotten by fine until now.

The logic I used to have that drove me, dones't make sense anymore.

I dont know what my motivation is anymore and I dont like how that makes me feel.

My mind is so distorted right now.

I get really nasty towards people that i let into my life if they betray me.

I'm getting good at cutting insincere people out of my life without a second thought, because of the pain that i've been caused in the past from them.

But this dones't help me. its just me getting reveng on life and it dones't really help me get ahead.

I know a place that loves me - Sacred Grounds coffee house in tampa florida. I love them too.

I hate my life! I want to change - i always try to change the inside of me first when something is wrong... but you have to do both... sometimes at the same time...

Usually the only thing that makes me feel less trapped at times like this is packing all my things.

I have this whole attitude of this right now:

-nothing is working out
-i can't get to the bus station
-transportation is too much money
-i hate the town i am staying in
-progress is just going too slow
-i have no support group
-theres no soul in my lifestyle
-theres no foundation
-i give up
-i've learned that i am broken
-i've learned that i am damned
-i've learned that having friends is a priveledge that I can no longer afford.
-I feel hopeless
-all my dreams are dust now

Captive Dogs

Pets cause me great stress.
I've cared for animals all my life - and if an animal needs a temporary home, I try to help if noone else wants them - but i find a home for them at that point as soon as possible.

Dogs are a problem animal.

If you are going to have a dog... TRAIN HIM!

...and do it right.

Make your dog obey you and understand rules and commands.

If you dont - you're gonna have problems, your dog is going to have problems and your neighbors are going to have problems.

I've been wondering tho - why are some dogs so bad?

And what is it about our place as humans - to decide what bad is in a dog?

I think its whatever we want it to be. If we want a dog to not bite our kids, we usually wait for the dog to bite the kid, then we beat the dog - right?
Sound bad to you?
Maybe you are more humane than that... your dog bites a child, and you have it put in an animal shelter or put to sleep.
So you see - the humane thing to do is to train your dog before it does something you can't live with.
Every dog is different
and every home is different
You have to teach your particular dog how to live in your particular home.
You have to develop rules that you want your dog to live by
You have to establish a language with your dog.

"no" is a good start.

When the dog messes up - say no... stop being nice to the dog. Show him you are upset.
make it unplesant. Jerk his chain, make a loud noise, just make sure its something that the dog doens't like. Eventually he will learn what "no" means. Best if you dont have to yell it.

"good boy" - positive reinforcement. How does the dog learn what you want him to do? Teach him that "good boy" means "you are doing what I want you to do". When you say goodboy - always reinforce it with a loving touch, a treat, a smile and a gentle kind voice - or whatever the dog responds best to - without being too animated and obnoxious.

"Sit" - this is simple for dogs to learn and has no wow impact - it is important tho... because this is an easy way to teach your dog to do an anction on command. Once you establish this protocall, the dog has unwittingly learned to obey you - at least when he wants something.

"Outside" - used when house breaking

"Inside" - same

"Stay" - used for a variety of things. Get the dog used to waiting for a command or permission for key moments and places. This teaches the dog to listen to your voice and to remain still, and to be truely obediant.

"up" and "down"

these are just more commands to help your dog fit into your home better.

So - How will you train YOUR dog?

How will he end up fitting in to your life?

Will he be happy and servant minded?

Or will he be confused and think he can do whatever he wants, and constantly get yelled at?

Or will you LET him always do what he wants and LET him be the alpha - and let him stress your life to points unknown, and cost you lots of money and terrorize your family and friends?

Peace Train

I been thinkin about peaceful environments...
i been styin at this place...
the dog barks
the bird squawks
the roomates listen to howard stern
there's some nice things too tho
noone smokes
there's food
shower
i'm treated pretty well in general

but i'm on the train now - and...
was just thinkin how its really my type of thing
because i feel peaceful here in this train.
I don't fully know why
but i know that i don't like cars.
It dosn't really matter why a whole lot -
I mean - i'm satisfied that i like the train
but i tend to want to know how things work so...

I could say its because i dont have to tal to anyone
Or because I get my own huge seat
Or because the scenery is nice...
riding a little bit above most everything else
or because there is no traffic to stress about
or because theres no radio to stress over

speaking of that - i just put on some headphones
listening to Pat Metheny - Letter From Home
He's one of my all time favorite musicians.
His music is sorta like... rythmic dream scapes.
...with a jazz edge

So Im on the train - heading for NYC
wow it seems like such a romantic notion
with my favorite music playing

I don't listen to music very much.
I dont realy know know
I do know that im very sensitive to music tho.
I really need to listen more.
I just think ill listen to stuff that i know i like.
The experimental days
the days of tollerating music
those days are factually fading...
yet, my mind is opening.

I'm learning who i am -
what parts of me i can accept
I need to always choose that path
that will acend my spirit
Because its up to me
in the hard times
in the dark times
to choose to be strong
and in the light and bright times
to choose to take it in
not resist the good path
the good stuff
the stuff i like
the stuff that I feed on.

The water is out the window
with power lines above it
I really love it here
I love writing
I love being romantic about life.

We're just about to hoboken now
That's where I'm gonna get off -
and maybe make some phone calls.
I also need to find my little mp3 player
at home for later - i already looked ones
so I'll have to listen on my laptop
till i find it.

Did i ever tell you about the time i started writing?
I dont know. I think i was 14.
I mean really writing - from the heart.
I sought to find my truth.
I was learning music...
I was learning about myself
I was struggling
it wasn't easy at all.

A little rusty, formless at first.
Then of course, it started getting easier.
I started to feel more

I have a habit of shutting down my head
I have a habit of seeing everything around me
but not feeling what I see.
Music really helps that

Ya know.. I've done LSD and I'm not ashamed of that...
it helped me to shake my head, to see what I seldom could see
to know about this substance... called trippy
romantic feelings, spirit feelings
intagibles, metaphisics
trippy

but not silly.

We are all blind and bound.
In some grave way.
Life,
My past experiences,
Friends
people i have met and run into
NEW EXPERIENCES
new feelings
adventure
exploration
experimentation

I dont care anymore... about what people think
but i have to admit -
they don't always recieve me well
Even when I am honest
Even when i know I am being true
Even when I know I am a part of that thing called Love
Even when i mean no real harm

Yeah sometimes i speak challenging things -
and thats why
some poeple reject me or speak against me
thats ok
I choose to challenge sometimes.
I sometimes get tired of the normal range of safety
I sometimes want to ask someone to go
on an adventure with me.

This train ride seems longer than its ever been
I've also enjoyed it more than I've ever enjoyed it.
I am starting to feel at home.
Maybe one day I will feel that I have a home... again.
Of course, I miss my home
with mom and dad and all that.
I have 3 older brothers too - and I guess I miss them

But I am 30 - and yet, so young.
I have much to learn
much to begin to appreciate.
Ok I think we are here - i gotta turn off the laptop
and head out to panera bread!

Banks are Difficult

yeah. I dont really know whats up with this whole banking thing. I mean, I'm glad to have a bank account, especially after all the troubles I've had in that dept. But for real, banks only staying open till 3pm? How am i supposed to handle that?

I mean, I get up around 2 most of the time.

I'm gonna look into other banks, but I don't know if they will accept me. We'll have to see! Right now, I'm with Wachovia. I like them. I don't really wanna change banks at all... so. We'll see if any other banks are progressive enough for my low money and late sleeping pattern.

"We have just the account for you Mr Mayes! You're important to us - you will be glad to learn about out "sleep late and don't have any money" account."

See, what happened today was, I went to ride my bike to the bank and it was closed. I checked the hours the other day - i must have looked at the wrong address. But it is a paid to ride that far - i have to go up a huge hill plus its sometimes raining and always cold. I think i am done with the whole bike riding thing too. I'm not really that excited about riding bikes up hill. I'm patient, and like to walk. Sometimes I find cell phones on the ground... i just have to get a power adapter for it. It's broken tho so it might blow up in my face. But i know its got a lot of time left on it.

I talked to the guy in the "local" photography store and thought he was very cool. We talked for hours about social science... from a street/artist civilian view.

I'm listening to my music right now - and its sounding nice - i dont always like my music. I have to get over that someday. I really like listening to my electro stuff and my more soulful vocal stuff.

Ok I'm out - gonna maybe write some in another one of my blogs now.

Societies Love Squares

some say-

I hate people
everyone is so stupid
noone loves me
nothing's going my way
you always make me feel stupid
everyone says you're an asshole
nothing i do is good enough for you
you never support me

These are paradigms of infant thinking.

I like to call them fractional thinking...

because you are only using a fraction of your mind when you say things like these.

If a quick fix can't be found, it is brushed under the rug, without patience, and so perpetuates a habit of whitewashing an issue... or that of unplugging the seatbelt light as it wear. Then there is no need to wear a seatbelt is there? Why didn't someone think of that sooner?

Please... as if.

What is so bad about dealing with an issue as tho it is not square, like most urban fascilities? This goes for large societies as well as small families and dating couples just the same.

Think more... smoke less.

Truth kills Good and Bad

In my mind and heart - there are no absolutes
there are no rules.

it might be good to make a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich one day
while the next, it might not be a good thing to do because I might have a stomach ache

One day, it might be good to give a homeless person a dollar
But the next, it might be bad... because I might decide that that the homeless person is a fuck face

One day I might get down on the floor and hug and love a dog
The next day, i might see a dog, and not hug it, because it looks dangerous

One day i might write in my blog and think that is a good thing
The next i might not, because I dont have anything to say

One day I might encourage someone with kind words
The next day I might try to destroy them with hateful words, just because I am upset.

There are several books, lists, and teachers who try to tell us what good is.

Which ones come to mind?

What rules and standards come to mind?

Are they always true?

I think- less and less that good is always good.

I think more and more that only I can decide what is good, and only for myself, and I can change my mind whenever I want.

Isn't this true in common practice in society? Very few people know what they want... from day to day it changes.

So I think it is true for all choices from brushing my teeth, to deciding if someone lives or dies.

Don't we all decided to let several people live every day because we choose to?

This is not because there is a list of absolutes.

This is because of our choices.

There really is no good.

There really is no right.

There is only suggestion.

There is only history.

There is only choice.

In the human mind, we are basically blind.

We use our mind to predict the path of chaotic elements.

It is truely impossible to do this accurately - but we get close.

In morality - unlike in space, we cannot predict how something we do will make another person react. This is because we are programmed to choose.

Therefore, there is no absolute good. There is no absolute way.

In my mind, I have choices. I am not bound by laws, I choose to act according to the desires I have within my surroundings. If I won't get caught and it harms noone, I might break the law. If I desire to harm someone in breaking the states law, but not to get caught, i might choose to attemp this. It is not good or bad in my mind.

We are defined by our boundaries. Our boundaries are - fire, gunshots, knives, slander, murder, jail time, hand cuffs, k-9 units, armed forces, commitees, and shame.

These things limit us and cause us to act within a boudary, thereby, defining us and influencing greatly, our profile of protocall and patterns of energy and action.

This is what we know of as satan, bad luck (luck comes from the word lucifer) and bad karma.

Good karma on the other hand is when we expect to get something pleasurable from some sacrifice that we make.

When we "place others above ourselves" we expect to recieve the same. But in reality, we are trying to get the cosmic father to sign a form inwhich the fine print states "all services that I recieve, both solicited and unsolicited, shall be worthy of its wages and paid for in full"

I don't see the idea or notion of karma as being practical, and in fact i see it as being a misleading fantasy

Some people have trouble sleeping at night because they feel unsettled about an issue that they feel guilty for.

Lets talk about this. An action was unctioned. (unction is a derivitive of the word function meaning 'to work') Then later, the notion of that unction was retracted, while the actions and propogation of that moment in time and space still lives on without absolvance. (absolve meaning to fix or forgive). This is indeed where we need the idea of forgiveness.

Lets talk about forgiveness. Its something we prescibe to regularly - because we change our minds so much. We do something we feel strongly about one moment, and later ask for forgiveness for. This is convoluted and perverted. Are we several people each? No, we are each one person with several oportunities to choose. When we have chosen to do something in the past, and we choose to contradict that in the future with an opposite action, we have not become a new person, no. We have simply changed. All of us change.

Why are we not ok with this? Because we want to be able to predict the action of those around us. We want to identify and fix a lable on all people. Is this good or is this bad? It is neither. But it is true.

Once a person has acted, we subconciously calculate that the probablility of that person choosing the same way in the next chance, has risen. In other words, when someone acts, we witness it as their personality. Instead of viewing each time as an isolatd case with variables, we assume and simplify things to a 3 year olds way of thinking and we amputate 90% of our minds by assuming that this person is a simple machine with no virtue of dynamics, living in a clinically isolated chamber of super controlled constants. Is this right or wrong? It is neither, but it is true.

When we look at our past, after we have changed our views, we feel regret. We regret that we didn't know better. But most of all, we regret that we hurt someone... perhaps knowingly or unknowligly.

If we give this just 2 more steps or so of thought, we see that it is silly to have regrets.

We acted according to who we ARE. We are not good, and we are not bad. We simply are, and have a wide range of colors that change every moment. People need space.

It is of no logic that we should become angry at a person. To be angry, makes you a fool. If you are angry, this means you expect better of a person. What right do you have to expect better of anyone? People each have as much power and life force as you do. No more and no less. You have no right to tell them how to use it. There is no right and wrong, there is only suggestion, and there is only manipulation.

Do what you want. This to me, is the whole law of action. We each have minds capable of calculating probability of the paths of things following your actions. This is accoutability.

Accountability is the ABILITY to COUNT - both into the future and into the past. With this commonly bestowed human gift, we are able to make choices based upon the likely path of the outcome. But, there is no guarantee of accuracy.

In this, we need Tact.

Tact is the aquired skill of accomodating others with gracious words to cause them to react with a desired state of mind.

The opposite of tact is Antagonism.

Antagonism is the act of inciting emotional discomfort in an opponent in order to bring forth a desired result

I hope you have enjoyed this mind storm.

My Blogs

Dear Readers,

Its been quite a while since my last post in this blog thing. Its been over a year. I'd like to say a few things about this and other blogs i've posted.

I have volumes of posts going back many years. Some are at geocities - which i intend to link into this blog somehow. I will find a way to put it all into one place eventually. I have blogs on my home page... which may have been completely lost now - well - it might be retrievable from my computer back home - or it might be on my external hard drive - I'll check tonight.

But I intend to use this blog for the rest of my life... so hold it dear to you.

I'll try to include pictures as well.

Life has gone through mnay changes - many of which i have not ever written about - but I intend to write about my past as well as my present in this blog over the next few years.

Its intersting to note - for the first time ever - I was able to speak of the next few years. Today feels like a very solid change in my heart - and that's what partly prompted me to set up and reinstitute this blog thing.

I have much to talk about. Stay tuned.

shaved my head

well i finally went off the deep end. Knew i would didn't you? I shaved my head. this makes it even harder for me to so the pressing things i feel the fear to do - to get work and all that. Now i look and feel like a complete utter idiot! I have to wear a hat everywhere i go now. I hate the shape of my head and i hate the way i look when i have no hair or even short hair. it'll be a long time before it starts to look good again and its gonna be hard to manage and just a pain in the butt.

I've been still feeling horrible lately - my room is a mess and i am a wreck. i was glad shannon showed me that she loves me and is still into me. We kissed in her room and in the airport... serious good long kisses... like Big Red. Shoot - tomorrow is garbage day - that means i have to haul out the huge garbage can full of all the broken furniture from my room. from the back of the house. But - yeah i have had this nervous feeling in my stomach for over a week now. maybe two. Right when everything seemed great and fine - something bad happened again. I felt horrible - shannon's mom just made me feel terrible... without any regard for my feelings. She slanders my name. She says things and thinks things about me that aren't true. I'm worried that she will come between me and shannon.

i sit and wait. i am alone. i have no value. no home

i'm an idiot and a old man - a loser. a failed artist - failed at life. noone believes in me! its true - the world is only trying to destroy you - so they can live and succeed by stepping on your head.

i hope things get better. Its not easy to feel this way and to do anything...

I hope i can get an apartment in sarasota of my own without shannons mom's help

no such thing as friends

well - this is what i've decided today - to help me stay sane...

there are no such things as friends - the way we know them. A friend in truth is just someone you can't trust. he is a person you let close to you in your life and leave yourself vulnerable to. Why would you let someone so close? Why would you risk your soul to someone who isn't family? So my rule is that they are either family or not. When someone is close to you - they have to be your family. Even if they aren't of your same blood, they can be family. This means, you trust completley or nothing at all. John can never be my friend because i wont have friends ever again. I will only have family. Anyone outside of family will be distant from me. It will take an act of god practically to cause someone to become my family.

Stuck Nut

So my car has been busted. Today i prayed over this bolt that had been stuck - I said "God, witness to me by helping me to fix this. Be what I can't be right now." and i put on that vice grip, got it on the best i could, and held on tight for the ride... *push*...*pull*.. *SNAP!* the bolt was free... FINALLY!!!! i wasn't reall excited, i just stopped and breathed. I was in awe. I was glad that i had prayed because now i can say God helped me. "God helped me" - i liked those words.

Today in church someone - a new friend of mine, came to me and gave me $50 for free to help to fix my van. God blessed my van because of that - this guy touched a point of faith with me and it caused thigs to happen good for my van, for me, for him, for God's kingdom, potentially everyone... because this glorified God with a small gesture that touches our small lives that will ring for an eternity.

Now i have to get the rest of the nuts off and get the alternator out of the car. I'm sure it will be a nice adventure.

Sacred Pain

I rode in the cold rain to rehearsal after noone showed up to pick me up. My girlfriend was at my best friends house recording her album with him. Later i got home and started to just go crazy. They hadn't returned any of the messages i had sent them online and they were online. I called her and said something in an angry voice and used a cuss word and hung up on her. I had told her that i've been home since fucking 9 pm waititng for her to say something. It was 11 pm. I got dressed in black and went out in the yard and trimmed the bushes in the rain, waiting for her. It felt like an hour passed, and my rage rose and i would yell as i cut the really big branches. Once, i stood in the front yard and yelled from deep inside my body and to me it was very resounding and fulfilling, as it sounded like an animal that was meant to express such barks and howls. I found another large brazilian pepper tree to trim, and to cut eventually to the ground. I somehow found my way back inside. I can't remember much of the events nor do i care to after that - nor do i want to repeat them.

Love will prevail. Yet i hate love. I want to live, yet i would love to see myself bleed and eventually fade away.

I am killed regularly and brought back to life. What if i were never to come back? Would i find peace?

While out in the darkness with the small drizzel of rain drops falling all over me, i raised my cutting sheers up to the sky and positioned my hands on the metal after the rubber handles and pointed the cutting tips straight up and said in a medium voice "someone please tell me now how I can be happy and not kill myself or die prematurely." Then i was cutting branches again and found myself repeating that. i said it outloud about 10 times before walking to the front yard and screaming.

Later, i was on the phone with shannon. I had checked my messages before and she hadn't left any messages. So when i called her, i asked "Would you like to tell me where you are?" She had left my friends house, so i found out, right after i called her, and said that she and my best friend couldn't be friends any more or record her album. And now she says - it just seems silly, that album any more. Well, on the phone she told me she dind't come over because i had cussed at her and hung up the phone. I thought she would sense the urgency and come right over and see to me about my matter. I don't have a working car so i can't drive over there. That's part of my griefe as well. But she had been hiding something grom me all this time- she didn't want me there because she wanted to feel like she did this album on her own without a boyfriend. it figures, she never wanted to do music with me and that's maybe why - she just can't feel proud of herself when her boyfriend is participating with her. She needs to feel proud and she can't unless it's on her own. So she is alone and so am I because of this, because she wounld't explain that to me and let me let her do this. So now we are wondering what to do - to break up or whatever. I am still so mad at times. But also i feel sorry at times for not reading her fucking mind. God - just like on her fucking birthday that she says I messed up. What a bitch. man I hated her for that bull shit. I hated her so much - at that time, she was my worst damn enemy. She had gradualy brought me down to the fucking slime of the gutters... And said it was all my fault. Bitch. She is just controlled by nothing more than her emotions and her lack of self control. But more objectively, she feels ashamed and stupid in most real life situations, yet i applaud her for trying, Yet I am discouraged when i see that all she cares about it looking smart. She wants to be proud of herself and feel like she is someone she can love and adore. She hasn't had this in her life and this is the thing i have been careful to help her to feel... the natural faith i have in her and how i want her to grow. She admits to me openly now that she doens't know herself. Yet, she doens't want me to help her. In fact, she wants to break up for a while just so she can find herlself. Its hard to say wheather or not I've wasted my time with her. And maybe i can still move on - I don't know - I think all women are "crazy" and it takes time to develop the right mutual respect and trust so i figure - i should just stay with her. I admited to my faults and was sincerely sorry and offered what ideas i could... to help our situation. I had earlier told her I didn't want to be firends with her or John, and if i could i would do that, but they are too close to me and I will never be able to live without them. I have learned to let myself love and now she says she has always been that way and she needs to learn to live without people - on her own. To me, this doesn't make a lot of sense... maybe she just worded it badly. Which is another thing she doens't believe in - she doesn't believe in wrong, or bad, yet she feels constant guilt. She tells me i am always cutting her down and i dont know where she gets that from. I do consider some things she does to be wreckless and distructive and futile, and wasteful and superstitious and weak and empty and habitual and ritualistic however. But that is stereotypicaly how she is. I know her pretty well and she is classically all of those things in many cases. I just want to see her happy with herself without needing those things... those distractions and diversions. And frankly, she embarrases me around her friends because of the ways she tries to look smart, and carrie's on in controversialy typical fashion, just as a fundamental born again dogmatic will harp over an over on sin and salvation, she harps on whatever is the opposite of that, as if we didn't hear her the first time, or as if she didn't say it well enough the first time, and has to keep repeating herself in an effort to be good enough and to finally feel validated. So i have a lot to put up with. When i met her she was singing with me on stage... impromptu and i liked it, i liked her. I knew i could be close to her since she was so musical but she never once has played or performed with me on stage... and she is making me suffer so profoundly because of her standards and limitations and fears. i have to choose to either wait for her or find a different, better life for myself.

Important Key to Success when all else FAILS

Hello readers. As you know I've been going through frustrating times and times of weakness and of being small. I've begun to grow stronger now, as always, with outside help not of myself.

Today I was just cleaning my room and realizing that I've been getting closer to the day that I'll get into some kind of personal project. Some time has passed since I've done a personal project and I've been in the mode of simply working to make some money, but also as a bonus, it happens to be mostly music work, which is uplifting my violin and bass playing aspects by requiring that i play those regularly. As i get more settled into my home, I'm begining once again, to see the light, as they say.

Let me just put this teaching out there, from my experience, for myself to see and to share with others:

...I'm a procrastinator with big dreams. These two points seem to push the other away with an ever expanding gulf between. They never want to meet. They want to perpetuate the others' existance. The bigger the dream, the harder it is to count the cost and start, and the harder it is to start, the bigger my dreams swell to - as they remain only in my mind and not in reality, giving them the freedom to grow out of practical means.

While in a meditation years ago, I was hit by a very simple revelation. "make up your mind what you are going to do, and be SURE to do it" this is easier said than done...

Today I want to share what i was reminded of and something new. This is how I plan to acheive my goals of late...

I will write them down first. Even if I know them by heart. I will establish a sacred tablet - probably my clipboard and paper. And I will write my goals there. This way, I will revere these goals and see them often, in a light that demands respect. I will not have to remember them all the time, they will be seen and burned into my minds eye. They will not change. I will not be moved from them, as they will be in writing and will remain the same as i am tempted to procrastinate and to deviate, or to dream my practicality away.

The KEY to this showing results WITHOUT A DOUBT is POINT OF CONTACT. You have to break the goal down into steps, and this is the key - listen - EACH STEP MUST TOUCH REALITY. Each step has to be a real life application and not something you just simply file away in a drawer in your mind or your desk under the label "accomplishments". NO! This will only cause you to go farther into your own imagination and your own rationality without accountability to the real world. You will breed a spirit of complacency and you will never feel the true nourishment of success. The fruits of your labor are not just for desert and leisure and reward but for NOURISHMENT! Each step along the way of your path towards your goal must be designed along a simple strategy that brings you a tangible GAIN.

For example...

Let's say I want to be a ROCK STAR! I could lock myself in my room for months until i have a book full of lyrics and book full of guitar chords and a tape recorder full of hashings of recordings, and then sort it all out until i have the finished material... then practice it all and then record it in a real studio - YES I COULD DO THAT.... BUT.... on paper and in theory that sounds great - noble and admirable... but I am not that great, noble and admirable! FEW ARE! We all have weaknesses and emotional needs.

Let's do this again, this time my new way - So I wanna be a rock n roll superstar...

1. find a place that will let me sing my songs at an open mic.
2. make a song list of 3 songs for an open mic and practice them
3. play at the open mic
4. record these songs and sell them on a CD the following week.
5. repeat steps one through 4
6. make a compilation CD of about 9 songs
7. i could add an additional open mic to my regiment - for a couple months.
8. i could then start getting interested musicians to start a band of my songs and play at the open mics around town
9. make a new CD - this time with the band
10. use that CD to get more gigs around the town, state and country
11. make a record deal with some label
12. keep performing and then I will be a ROCK STAR!

So you see? It's about using what you have to get what you want. Plan and strategize your direction in a way that brings you fruit along the way and props you up higher, stronger, and more secure as you go, so that if (and when) you fall, you will only fall back so far and will be able to keep going where you started out going!

I'm glad i could be so postive once again. It's not easy to be like this, to have a vision and to approach it with such enthusiasm and clarity - this takes something special. I feel so much better to be using my mind again and my heart in ways that will bring fruit!

I wish you all to be blessed with success and happiness

I Hate Everything I Do But...

So i wanna make a note here - i hate most everything i do but i'd like to do it anyways - and I'd like for others to experience and have access to my completed thoughts and products! How can i learn to finish things even tho i hate them???????

Unexpected Wonder

Today i slept most of the day after getting up really early to play at church.

As some of "you" may know - i've been in a bad mood... getting old and cranky. Well today in church when i was playing in front of everyone, it was an interesting and great experience.

I guess I can just say that i felt the devine spirit on fire in my body and soul while we were playing and we set it up so that i was on bass till the last song was ending adn then i would segue into the violin. So as i was getting up to play the violin - man i felt electric and started to shake! It was the holy spirit. I've not experienced that much - and i know that i was gifted to play music in the spirit. One of my more clairvoiant friends once, long ago, told me i had a golden aura glowing around my head when i was singing and playing guitar on this one song about angels. Well i felt it then too. I have gone through a crappy time... a hard time of growing and learning adult lessons and its made me sometimes not the happiest or positive person in the world - very not typical of me.. I've felt like giving up everything - for the first time in my life - also very not typical of me. But after this, I've found hope to go on once again - and to find that positive self again.

I love everything adn everyone .. thanks to the devine for blessing me - I'm glad i was able to capture the very evil side of me as well as the great cleansing spirit that was in me today -

I realize some folks may be very upset about the things i write - let it be

Matt

hello!!!!! :)

I'm not really that happy - i can't get happy lately. There is no such thing as a good thing any more. It's all relative - perhaps... why does that matter? What's it relative to any more? Nothings relative any more.. because i have no absolutes. A shrink once told me - there is no such thing as normal. Man what a miserable life to lead if you believe that. I told him that God is normal. He is our rock and our standard, i thought to myself. Now, i've lost that natural response. I've become like that shrink.

I used to ride a rollercoaster up and down with soaring highs and terrible lows. I was HOT and COLD now i am just luke warm. Yes God, i know, you will spew me out... go ahead, i can't help it. It't your choice and do whatever you want with me. As long as it's you doing it i dont care where you send me... as long as its your choice and as long as i know you have to live with what you do with me. I've given myself to you. I've let go of everything i believe - i've let go of everything that made sense and of everythign anyone has ever taught me.

The only fact is that which has been experienced by one or more of the senses. Everything else is heresay and speculation.

I used to plan my life. I used to have standards for myself - standards that i placed on myself alone. I've also lived in total yeild to my heart for a season. Both had advantages. Both were growing and enriching times. Now... what am i? what do i have? what fuel and drive do i have? What is wrong with me?

I hate to say this - to reveal the key to my mysteries - but i've gotten a girlfriend for a year now. I've always been very hateful and cynical but now that i am with her, i've learned to be a really bad person as well as a really good person. I've learned that what i think and feel doesn't mean shit. It's made me really sick and angry at her and at myself. Being with her has brought out an ugly side of me i never knew could exsist. I have hated her and loved her. I've learned things about myself and people that i never could have known. It has not been a plesant experience. I've resented it for the most part - it's hurt me probably more than it's helped me. I hate myself and i hate life. And we aren't even married nor do we have a child or plans to get married. I just hate my life - probably because of knowing her. I guess its nature - it's not her fault. Nature brings you together so that you can make babies and stay together... I've faught nature and i suffer for it perhaps. But she is the only girl i have been in a relationship with. We probably almost didn't happen.

I hate everything

Love,

Matt

God Loves Sinners - Christians Make Him Cry

I am so sick of Christians. SICK!!!!!! SO FUCKING SICK!!!!

Probably the main reason is because i am one of them and it makes me mad to see it the way they are.

What else can i be?

My life is ruined because of Christianity. I am labled one and they define who i am based on their numbers and their voices.

Where else can i go?

It is the one thing that has kept me alive and the one thing that is killing me.

I'm dead, yet I live.

I'm the envy of all the pagans and the witches and the vampires... because i am in the middle of the drama that they themselves feed from. But i hate myself. Christians love me and want what they feel is best for me. I don't want anything from anyone but to FUCKING LIVE!!!

Get out of my life!

STOP RUINING MY FUCKING LIFE!! EVERYONE GET OUT OF MY GODDFUCKING DAMN HEAD!!!!

desire leaves me dead

everything has become pointless and meaningless. ive become like an animal. im like a mimicking bird or lizard who sings a different song for every situation - or wears a different set of rags for different occassions. i have only one motivation in life... to stay off the streets and out of my mother and father's charitable home. I'm 28, and a musician and i am not playing anything really good... except for the occasional riff here and there.

i've changed. im dead. nothing means anything to me anymore. i see the little ants tho... when im trimming the bushes and i blow them off the branches before i cut. When i see the limbs i've cut to the ground, i know ive hurt something, killed something. I'm observing. i have no hopes and no dreams. I'm hollow inside. There's no tread on my tires. How is it that I'm even still here? Maybe I'm not even here. I might as well not be.

When i die i believe I'll just cease to exist. I don't believe in heaven any more. I don't believe in hell any more. I don't believe in god or love. this is how ive changed. Everything we say and teach is meaningless. We are just animals. Why do we pretend to be something more? Why do we complicate our lives with ceremonies and standards? With institutions and enforcement?

Life is a spinning ball of mud, a shivering chime of a bell. By the sweat of your brow you labor and then return to the ground for from earth you were taken and to the earth you will return.

-unless this was pointed out as a precursor to salvation - when all who have died will take on new incoruptable bodies. We have to be earth and die in the spirit first... according to the adamic tradition... the stories.

now im so tired. ive been working more lately than ive ever been used to. I dont sleep at regular shifts. I hate going to sleep and i hate waking up. Constantly we are dragged through phase after phase of trials. Everything i do is not enough. I feel insufficient in all things. in my personal expressions i have few rewards.

there is bery little i can hope for. i hate life and i hate this lie, this blindness, this futility. i hate christians and i hate the lost. i am full of hate but it never shows in the obvious ways. it comes out in other ways. I dont yell or carry around a sign. i dont want to be healed... FROM WHAT? is healing going to make the world go away?

Waiting for the right time

So I wait for the right feeling - for my life to have this power - before i set off to make it a habit to create my best music.

But then i was thinking - why have I been this way?? If my life was ever perfect and powerful, its not going to happen by accident and even if it happened, I woulnd't care much about making songs - and making a band.

And I was like... wow... NOW .... IS ..... the time... not some distant time and manifestation. But this is me... i have been denying who i am - and denying that i am WHO I AM.... NOW.

So i have to get used to this new sod in my perception - the sod that i stand on - have been always standing on but never acknowledged it. I've been waiting till i was worthy - till i was stronger, till i was somene.. else.

That Was Funny - Do it AGAIN!

I'd love to be able to write on a dime - to be able to spit out things that are relevant - at any given time - but i can't - Its like... a faucet - ya know... the reservoire is there in the giant tank above the city - and if you want some, you turn the dial and it comes out - when you want it - and exactly as much as you want - i wish i could be that way - cause then i could write and say things that are perfectly relevant and concise and of the right amplitude to serve the needs of the moment at hand. BUT I can't - not yet anyways. But I'm just being aware of it... the reason is...

ID LOVE TO WRITE A BOOK!!!!!! - with little tid bits, and pictures and drawings - something with a great cover and a provocative title and that would be a good table top item... and put it in all the coffee houses.. if it was any good id get someone to put up some money to back it... to publish it... but staying to the point here... id like to have a book ... and that means i would have to learn to be a writer.. and lets see.. typing is one skill that i could use.. to type really fast without looking... in order to keep up with my thoughts and my mind... without loosing that flow... from the reservoir in my head. The photos would probably be invasive and the words would probably be a little challenging and revealing of my mind. It would be nice.

So I have to find, or be open to finding a way to reach this ... i could write here in the coffee house, and also design the pages and the photos. I wonder how i'd do the layout - hmmm maybe i should look into that.

Someone said I should just let it go and just make a book of my htoughts - let my thoughts be on paper - as smooth as you please. Just as proud as can be... in spite of being different. - or sporatic or senseless! but mostly i do make sense.... if you get a laugh or a stimulation out of it - cool cool cool.

So not only do i love photography and I'm good at it, but the same goes for writing - and i dont care about typos... if you care, then this book wont be for you. HA!

I should keep taking notes - life is so hard - in my head - and you'll find out why - and youll learn about my thoughts - once and for all... this production online needs the truth - all of it. YEAH!