Wednesday, September 15, 2004

sept 15th - read here

the same things still seem to be true... I am just who i thought i was. I try to grow, to change, to make others happy by changing who i am - and it never works. I try to contribute in ways others would like - and it never works. I try to contribute in my own way, and others just try to change me, or to put me in a box and say - "do that again."

I'm at my wit's end and i am not really sure what to think or do - as if I've come to the edge of my world - perhaps there is something in the darkness that lies beyond.

I can go on taking one little step at a time, learning to paint, to play chess better, to be in this band, or that band, or whatever - but the truth is, I dont want to do anything outside of my home. Right now, I have no home of my own but i am staying at a friends house rent free. I dont even feel right being there. I never settle - i never accept, and i'm never happy or satisfied with my life.

But my life is fine, I am blessed. But still, i feel an obligation to make good choices, to preserve my sanity and my energy - my spiritual inspiration. And it seems that its not working