Friday, October 29, 2004

When You Don't Answer

You make me feel stupid when you dont answer me
When I tell you something and you stay silent
I'm not acknowledged or important
You try to make my words go away by ignoring them

You make me feel like my older brothers did when they would ignore me
They were bigger than me, better than me
I was in need of communication and they just pushed me away
I've found a life where I'm respected - except by you when you don't answer

Like an avalanche my confidence comes crashing down, down to your level
Once sliding, i can't seem to stop, until all my virtue has been raped from me
But every day i try again, and i get up with hope that we will see eye to eye
All i hope is for you not to stay silent

When you're silent sometimes it makes me want to yell
Sometimes it makes me want to leave you
Because of the way i feel it makes me plan an escape everyday
I don't feel important in any good way

Sometimes i wonder what words your hiding
Or what thoughts you can't find words for
Sometimes i think you don't have any thoughts any more
Because you've given up on yourself as a succesful mate

I wonder why we're together
I wonder why we try
When we don't hear ear to ear
And we don't see eye to eye

You make my life become a really bad plotless movie
It has no moral and no heros
It's just a tizzy of emotions and fighting
We make up sometimes for a while

You're my girlfriend and most of the time I can't stand you
You say you love me but i don't see it
You say one thing and those words don't stand up
You need, you want, you expect, you judge

Everything you accuse me of it's something you hate about yourself
You keep silent most of the time, and i walk away yelling at my life and hitting walls
I think of all your failed relationships and I grow less confused about why
You seem to focus on the end and you can't live in the now

I try to talk to you about your life
I try to tell you about mine
I try to talk about the issues in my heart
And you don't answer

I hate you for this sometimes
I hate you for it

Why should you change? I try and try and you say you're trying to
We've both "tried" so we say - and both have failed
I haven't reached you and you don't want me to
You're afraid to give me what we both need - vulnerability

At the end of this letter, I'm sickened, by the place I've allowed myself to be in
I'm disgusted by our lack of love and lack of effort
I'm tired of my life being so generic, so stale
I'm angry at you for not feeling the way it hurts me

You don't talk about your feelings unless you're mad
You expect failure from your first word
You defend yourself in your tone of voice
You whine every request before i have a chance to serve you happily

I'm tired of writing this neverending blackness
Maybe i can just turn away and shut up
Maybe I can be more like you

Sunday, October 17, 2004

damn it!

Why can't i just be free? Everyone i know just wants to lock me into a program.

Saturday, October 09, 2004

articulation of soul

well - in my life, i suppose things are looking up - I'm often bombarded with things that don't fit together - but lately - they're fitting better but still not perfect - in fact, i believe i have been the one to adapt and change to my stimuli. I've become more tollerant of variety in others, and less judgemental - alltho i can still pounce at opportune times. I can still defend myself, tho lately, I try not to be intimidated by accusations.

I do find still, that others create their own rules about their life, according to what things they find comfortable. It seems apparent to me that others will often develop their young life according to their peers and their social environment, giving in to the stimuli around them, only to become something they didn't plan on becoming, and then, faced with a crossroads to change or stay what they have been made into, they often choose to stay the same but change the rules they hang onto in order to justify and define their comfort zone.

I have a problem with these types that I find myself being so different from, in that they dont live up to my standards, and that causes conflict, both within myself in regards to my thoughts about them in my plans as well as without myself, in regards to how they actually respond to me and accuse me.

So, i have had a tendancy to group people into two groups - like me and unlike me. So thats been my way for so long. Now what? I'm trying to get along with more people but not trying to be like them. Why? I dont really know. Maybe because in life, we cant ALWAYS choose who we're around. In life, we might find ourself in prison of sorts, not able to escape the presence of unlike minds. But how do we persist in peace with these minds without becoming corrupted, changed, put at odds with them? Well, I remember that iron sharpens iron. Two strong minds will sharpen one another while at odds. It may not be fun and it may lead to a small war. There's nothing great about that - it's subjective. But, a great person, in my opinion, loves progress in regard to greater knowledge and peace. I belive a lot of strife comes from frustration, and a lack of understanding within ones own ideas and processes as well as equally within the area of communication with others. If one is not at peace and facil with one's self, then it manifests itself in ones daily walk. However, this is greatly multiplied outside of that person, in the space between that self and others when in confrontation, because of the lack of facility to explain, rebut, refute, use tact, refrain, restrain, and basically control one's self. We're all in need of self control and self knowledge. We sometimes think we know ourselves when we come to find out that we only really know what we've primarily been taught to know about ourselves. But articulation of the self takes a lot of strength and the self soon grows tired if not in practice.

It takes exersize, and moments of oasis. It takes drive and hope, and people who believe in you.

I believe in the truth. Truth is a word that may or may not have meaning. Everyone potentially has a differnt definition of truth. So be it. I can't change others thoughts unless i plea my own with respect for myself and others. But as i said, i have lately chosen to change myself a little rather than try to ridicule others to bend to what i believe they should do by my standards.

I still have the problem of judging others. How can i go on without judging my world? I feel it's a part of learning... i look at something and ask, "what does that mean?" and then i come up with a guess. That's the truth - is that much of what we believe is actually a guess. But we as humans, from our very nature, must believe something. I believe this is our imagination. Whatever we imagine, we may potentially belive. While some instances may be more obvious that others, we are still individually free and able to belive as we wish... right down to the smallest grain of articulation to the biggest ray of sunshine. We have to choose what we believe to be real, to be true, to be accepted or challenged within ourselves.

The soul who lives according to what he/she truly believes becomes strong and protected against attacks. The soul who achieves faith in what he or she onced questioned, and finds something he or she can hold onto and stand on firmly, will be a strong and solid rock his/herself, able to hold others at bay and have influence on his/her peers.