Thursday, March 17, 2005

shaved my head

well i finally went off the deep end. Knew i would didn't you? I shaved my head. this makes it even harder for me to so the pressing things i feel the fear to do - to get work and all that. Now i look and feel like a complete utter idiot! I have to wear a hat everywhere i go now. I hate the shape of my head and i hate the way i look when i have no hair or even short hair. it'll be a long time before it starts to look good again and its gonna be hard to manage and just a pain in the butt.

I've been still feeling horrible lately - my room is a mess and i am a wreck. i was glad shannon showed me that she loves me and is still into me. We kissed in her room and in the airport... serious good long kisses... like Big Red. Shoot - tomorrow is garbage day - that means i have to haul out the huge garbage can full of all the broken furniture from my room. from the back of the house. But - yeah i have had this nervous feeling in my stomach for over a week now. maybe two. Right when everything seemed great and fine - something bad happened again. I felt horrible - shannon's mom just made me feel terrible... without any regard for my feelings. She slanders my name. She says things and thinks things about me that aren't true. I'm worried that she will come between me and shannon.

i sit and wait. i am alone. i have no value. no home

i'm an idiot and a old man - a loser. a failed artist - failed at life. noone believes in me! its true - the world is only trying to destroy you - so they can live and succeed by stepping on your head.

i hope things get better. Its not easy to feel this way and to do anything...

I hope i can get an apartment in sarasota of my own without shannons mom's help

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

no such thing as friends

well - this is what i've decided today - to help me stay sane...

there are no such things as friends - the way we know them. A friend in truth is just someone you can't trust. he is a person you let close to you in your life and leave yourself vulnerable to. Why would you let someone so close? Why would you risk your soul to someone who isn't family? So my rule is that they are either family or not. When someone is close to you - they have to be your family. Even if they aren't of your same blood, they can be family. This means, you trust completley or nothing at all. John can never be my friend because i wont have friends ever again. I will only have family. Anyone outside of family will be distant from me. It will take an act of god practically to cause someone to become my family.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Stuck Nut

So my car has been busted. Today i prayed over this bolt that had been stuck - I said "God, witness to me by helping me to fix this. Be what I can't be right now." and i put on that vice grip, got it on the best i could, and held on tight for the ride... *push*...*pull*.. *SNAP!* the bolt was free... FINALLY!!!! i wasn't reall excited, i just stopped and breathed. I was in awe. I was glad that i had prayed because now i can say God helped me. "God helped me" - i liked those words.

Today in church someone - a new friend of mine, came to me and gave me $50 for free to help to fix my van. God blessed my van because of that - this guy touched a point of faith with me and it caused thigs to happen good for my van, for me, for him, for God's kingdom, potentially everyone... because this glorified God with a small gesture that touches our small lives that will ring for an eternity.

Now i have to get the rest of the nuts off and get the alternator out of the car. I'm sure it will be a nice adventure.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Sacred Pain

I rode in the cold rain to rehearsal after noone showed up to pick me up. My girlfriend was at my best friends house recording her album with him. Later i got home and started to just go crazy. They hadn't returned any of the messages i had sent them online and they were online. I called her and said something in an angry voice and used a cuss word and hung up on her. I had told her that i've been home since fucking 9 pm waititng for her to say something. It was 11 pm. I got dressed in black and went out in the yard and trimmed the bushes in the rain, waiting for her. It felt like an hour passed, and my rage rose and i would yell as i cut the really big branches. Once, i stood in the front yard and yelled from deep inside my body and to me it was very resounding and fulfilling, as it sounded like an animal that was meant to express such barks and howls. I found another large brazilian pepper tree to trim, and to cut eventually to the ground. I somehow found my way back inside. I can't remember much of the events nor do i care to after that - nor do i want to repeat them.

Love will prevail. Yet i hate love. I want to live, yet i would love to see myself bleed and eventually fade away.

I am killed regularly and brought back to life. What if i were never to come back? Would i find peace?

While out in the darkness with the small drizzel of rain drops falling all over me, i raised my cutting sheers up to the sky and positioned my hands on the metal after the rubber handles and pointed the cutting tips straight up and said in a medium voice "someone please tell me now how I can be happy and not kill myself or die prematurely." Then i was cutting branches again and found myself repeating that. i said it outloud about 10 times before walking to the front yard and screaming.

Later, i was on the phone with shannon. I had checked my messages before and she hadn't left any messages. So when i called her, i asked "Would you like to tell me where you are?" She had left my friends house, so i found out, right after i called her, and said that she and my best friend couldn't be friends any more or record her album. And now she says - it just seems silly, that album any more. Well, on the phone she told me she dind't come over because i had cussed at her and hung up the phone. I thought she would sense the urgency and come right over and see to me about my matter. I don't have a working car so i can't drive over there. That's part of my griefe as well. But she had been hiding something grom me all this time- she didn't want me there because she wanted to feel like she did this album on her own without a boyfriend. it figures, she never wanted to do music with me and that's maybe why - she just can't feel proud of herself when her boyfriend is participating with her. She needs to feel proud and she can't unless it's on her own. So she is alone and so am I because of this, because she wounld't explain that to me and let me let her do this. So now we are wondering what to do - to break up or whatever. I am still so mad at times. But also i feel sorry at times for not reading her fucking mind. God - just like on her fucking birthday that she says I messed up. What a bitch. man I hated her for that bull shit. I hated her so much - at that time, she was my worst damn enemy. She had gradualy brought me down to the fucking slime of the gutters... And said it was all my fault. Bitch. She is just controlled by nothing more than her emotions and her lack of self control. But more objectively, she feels ashamed and stupid in most real life situations, yet i applaud her for trying, Yet I am discouraged when i see that all she cares about it looking smart. She wants to be proud of herself and feel like she is someone she can love and adore. She hasn't had this in her life and this is the thing i have been careful to help her to feel... the natural faith i have in her and how i want her to grow. She admits to me openly now that she doens't know herself. Yet, she doens't want me to help her. In fact, she wants to break up for a while just so she can find herlself. Its hard to say wheather or not I've wasted my time with her. And maybe i can still move on - I don't know - I think all women are "crazy" and it takes time to develop the right mutual respect and trust so i figure - i should just stay with her. I admited to my faults and was sincerely sorry and offered what ideas i could... to help our situation. I had earlier told her I didn't want to be firends with her or John, and if i could i would do that, but they are too close to me and I will never be able to live without them. I have learned to let myself love and now she says she has always been that way and she needs to learn to live without people - on her own. To me, this doesn't make a lot of sense... maybe she just worded it badly. Which is another thing she doens't believe in - she doesn't believe in wrong, or bad, yet she feels constant guilt. She tells me i am always cutting her down and i dont know where she gets that from. I do consider some things she does to be wreckless and distructive and futile, and wasteful and superstitious and weak and empty and habitual and ritualistic however. But that is stereotypicaly how she is. I know her pretty well and she is classically all of those things in many cases. I just want to see her happy with herself without needing those things... those distractions and diversions. And frankly, she embarrases me around her friends because of the ways she tries to look smart, and carrie's on in controversialy typical fashion, just as a fundamental born again dogmatic will harp over an over on sin and salvation, she harps on whatever is the opposite of that, as if we didn't hear her the first time, or as if she didn't say it well enough the first time, and has to keep repeating herself in an effort to be good enough and to finally feel validated. So i have a lot to put up with. When i met her she was singing with me on stage... impromptu and i liked it, i liked her. I knew i could be close to her since she was so musical but she never once has played or performed with me on stage... and she is making me suffer so profoundly because of her standards and limitations and fears. i have to choose to either wait for her or find a different, better life for myself.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Important Key to Success when all else FAILS

Hello readers. As you know I've been going through frustrating times and times of weakness and of being small. I've begun to grow stronger now, as always, with outside help not of myself.

Today I was just cleaning my room and realizing that I've been getting closer to the day that I'll get into some kind of personal project. Some time has passed since I've done a personal project and I've been in the mode of simply working to make some money, but also as a bonus, it happens to be mostly music work, which is uplifting my violin and bass playing aspects by requiring that i play those regularly. As i get more settled into my home, I'm begining once again, to see the light, as they say.

Let me just put this teaching out there, from my experience, for myself to see and to share with others:

...I'm a procrastinator with big dreams. These two points seem to push the other away with an ever expanding gulf between. They never want to meet. They want to perpetuate the others' existance. The bigger the dream, the harder it is to count the cost and start, and the harder it is to start, the bigger my dreams swell to - as they remain only in my mind and not in reality, giving them the freedom to grow out of practical means.

While in a meditation years ago, I was hit by a very simple revelation. "make up your mind what you are going to do, and be SURE to do it" this is easier said than done...

Today I want to share what i was reminded of and something new. This is how I plan to acheive my goals of late...

I will write them down first. Even if I know them by heart. I will establish a sacred tablet - probably my clipboard and paper. And I will write my goals there. This way, I will revere these goals and see them often, in a light that demands respect. I will not have to remember them all the time, they will be seen and burned into my minds eye. They will not change. I will not be moved from them, as they will be in writing and will remain the same as i am tempted to procrastinate and to deviate, or to dream my practicality away.

The KEY to this showing results WITHOUT A DOUBT is POINT OF CONTACT. You have to break the goal down into steps, and this is the key - listen - EACH STEP MUST TOUCH REALITY. Each step has to be a real life application and not something you just simply file away in a drawer in your mind or your desk under the label "accomplishments". NO! This will only cause you to go farther into your own imagination and your own rationality without accountability to the real world. You will breed a spirit of complacency and you will never feel the true nourishment of success. The fruits of your labor are not just for desert and leisure and reward but for NOURISHMENT! Each step along the way of your path towards your goal must be designed along a simple strategy that brings you a tangible GAIN.

For example...

Let's say I want to be a ROCK STAR! I could lock myself in my room for months until i have a book full of lyrics and book full of guitar chords and a tape recorder full of hashings of recordings, and then sort it all out until i have the finished material... then practice it all and then record it in a real studio - YES I COULD DO THAT.... BUT.... on paper and in theory that sounds great - noble and admirable... but I am not that great, noble and admirable! FEW ARE! We all have weaknesses and emotional needs.

Let's do this again, this time my new way - So I wanna be a rock n roll superstar...

1. find a place that will let me sing my songs at an open mic.
2. make a song list of 3 songs for an open mic and practice them
3. play at the open mic
4. record these songs and sell them on a CD the following week.
5. repeat steps one through 4
6. make a compilation CD of about 9 songs
7. i could add an additional open mic to my regiment - for a couple months.
8. i could then start getting interested musicians to start a band of my songs and play at the open mics around town
9. make a new CD - this time with the band
10. use that CD to get more gigs around the town, state and country
11. make a record deal with some label
12. keep performing and then I will be a ROCK STAR!

So you see? It's about using what you have to get what you want. Plan and strategize your direction in a way that brings you fruit along the way and props you up higher, stronger, and more secure as you go, so that if (and when) you fall, you will only fall back so far and will be able to keep going where you started out going!

I'm glad i could be so postive once again. It's not easy to be like this, to have a vision and to approach it with such enthusiasm and clarity - this takes something special. I feel so much better to be using my mind again and my heart in ways that will bring fruit!

I wish you all to be blessed with success and happiness

Monday, February 28, 2005

I Hate Everything I Do But...

So i wanna make a note here - i hate most everything i do but i'd like to do it anyways - and I'd like for others to experience and have access to my completed thoughts and products! How can i learn to finish things even tho i hate them???????

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Unexpected Wonder

Today i slept most of the day after getting up really early to play at church.

As some of "you" may know - i've been in a bad mood... getting old and cranky. Well today in church when i was playing in front of everyone, it was an interesting and great experience.

I guess I can just say that i felt the devine spirit on fire in my body and soul while we were playing and we set it up so that i was on bass till the last song was ending adn then i would segue into the violin. So as i was getting up to play the violin - man i felt electric and started to shake! It was the holy spirit. I've not experienced that much - and i know that i was gifted to play music in the spirit. One of my more clairvoiant friends once, long ago, told me i had a golden aura glowing around my head when i was singing and playing guitar on this one song about angels. Well i felt it then too. I have gone through a crappy time... a hard time of growing and learning adult lessons and its made me sometimes not the happiest or positive person in the world - very not typical of me.. I've felt like giving up everything - for the first time in my life - also very not typical of me. But after this, I've found hope to go on once again - and to find that positive self again.

I love everything adn everyone .. thanks to the devine for blessing me - I'm glad i was able to capture the very evil side of me as well as the great cleansing spirit that was in me today -

I realize some folks may be very upset about the things i write - let it be


hello!!!!! :)

I'm not really that happy - i can't get happy lately. There is no such thing as a good thing any more. It's all relative - perhaps... why does that matter? What's it relative to any more? Nothings relative any more.. because i have no absolutes. A shrink once told me - there is no such thing as normal. Man what a miserable life to lead if you believe that. I told him that God is normal. He is our rock and our standard, i thought to myself. Now, i've lost that natural response. I've become like that shrink.

I used to ride a rollercoaster up and down with soaring highs and terrible lows. I was HOT and COLD now i am just luke warm. Yes God, i know, you will spew me out... go ahead, i can't help it. It't your choice and do whatever you want with me. As long as it's you doing it i dont care where you send me... as long as its your choice and as long as i know you have to live with what you do with me. I've given myself to you. I've let go of everything i believe - i've let go of everything that made sense and of everythign anyone has ever taught me.

The only fact is that which has been experienced by one or more of the senses. Everything else is heresay and speculation.

I used to plan my life. I used to have standards for myself - standards that i placed on myself alone. I've also lived in total yeild to my heart for a season. Both had advantages. Both were growing and enriching times. Now... what am i? what do i have? what fuel and drive do i have? What is wrong with me?

I hate to say this - to reveal the key to my mysteries - but i've gotten a girlfriend for a year now. I've always been very hateful and cynical but now that i am with her, i've learned to be a really bad person as well as a really good person. I've learned that what i think and feel doesn't mean shit. It's made me really sick and angry at her and at myself. Being with her has brought out an ugly side of me i never knew could exsist. I have hated her and loved her. I've learned things about myself and people that i never could have known. It has not been a plesant experience. I've resented it for the most part - it's hurt me probably more than it's helped me. I hate myself and i hate life. And we aren't even married nor do we have a child or plans to get married. I just hate my life - probably because of knowing her. I guess its nature - it's not her fault. Nature brings you together so that you can make babies and stay together... I've faught nature and i suffer for it perhaps. But she is the only girl i have been in a relationship with. We probably almost didn't happen.

I hate everything



Saturday, February 26, 2005

God Loves Sinners - Christians Make Him Cry

I am so sick of Christians. SICK!!!!!! SO FUCKING SICK!!!!

Probably the main reason is because i am one of them and it makes me mad to see it the way they are.

What else can i be?

My life is ruined because of Christianity. I am labled one and they define who i am based on their numbers and their voices.

Where else can i go?

It is the one thing that has kept me alive and the one thing that is killing me.

I'm dead, yet I live.

I'm the envy of all the pagans and the witches and the vampires... because i am in the middle of the drama that they themselves feed from. But i hate myself. Christians love me and want what they feel is best for me. I don't want anything from anyone but to FUCKING LIVE!!!

Get out of my life!


Thursday, February 24, 2005

desire leaves me dead

everything has become pointless and meaningless. ive become like an animal. im like a mimicking bird or lizard who sings a different song for every situation - or wears a different set of rags for different occassions. i have only one motivation in life... to stay off the streets and out of my mother and father's charitable home. I'm 28, and a musician and i am not playing anything really good... except for the occasional riff here and there.

i've changed. im dead. nothing means anything to me anymore. i see the little ants tho... when im trimming the bushes and i blow them off the branches before i cut. When i see the limbs i've cut to the ground, i know ive hurt something, killed something. I'm observing. i have no hopes and no dreams. I'm hollow inside. There's no tread on my tires. How is it that I'm even still here? Maybe I'm not even here. I might as well not be.

When i die i believe I'll just cease to exist. I don't believe in heaven any more. I don't believe in hell any more. I don't believe in god or love. this is how ive changed. Everything we say and teach is meaningless. We are just animals. Why do we pretend to be something more? Why do we complicate our lives with ceremonies and standards? With institutions and enforcement?

Life is a spinning ball of mud, a shivering chime of a bell. By the sweat of your brow you labor and then return to the ground for from earth you were taken and to the earth you will return.

-unless this was pointed out as a precursor to salvation - when all who have died will take on new incoruptable bodies. We have to be earth and die in the spirit first... according to the adamic tradition... the stories.

now im so tired. ive been working more lately than ive ever been used to. I dont sleep at regular shifts. I hate going to sleep and i hate waking up. Constantly we are dragged through phase after phase of trials. Everything i do is not enough. I feel insufficient in all things. in my personal expressions i have few rewards.

there is bery little i can hope for. i hate life and i hate this lie, this blindness, this futility. i hate christians and i hate the lost. i am full of hate but it never shows in the obvious ways. it comes out in other ways. I dont yell or carry around a sign. i dont want to be healed... FROM WHAT? is healing going to make the world go away?

Friday, February 04, 2005

Waiting for the right time

So I wait for the right feeling - for my life to have this power - before i set off to make it a habit to create my best music.

But then i was thinking - why have I been this way?? If my life was ever perfect and powerful, its not going to happen by accident and even if it happened, I woulnd't care much about making songs - and making a band.

And I was like... wow... NOW .... IS ..... the time... not some distant time and manifestation. But this is me... i have been denying who i am - and denying that i am WHO I AM.... NOW.

So i have to get used to this new sod in my perception - the sod that i stand on - have been always standing on but never acknowledged it. I've been waiting till i was worthy - till i was stronger, till i was somene.. else.

Monday, January 31, 2005

That Was Funny - Do it AGAIN!

I'd love to be able to write on a dime - to be able to spit out things that are relevant - at any given time - but i can't - Its like... a faucet - ya know... the reservoire is there in the giant tank above the city - and if you want some, you turn the dial and it comes out - when you want it - and exactly as much as you want - i wish i could be that way - cause then i could write and say things that are perfectly relevant and concise and of the right amplitude to serve the needs of the moment at hand. BUT I can't - not yet anyways. But I'm just being aware of it... the reason is...

ID LOVE TO WRITE A BOOK!!!!!! - with little tid bits, and pictures and drawings - something with a great cover and a provocative title and that would be a good table top item... and put it in all the coffee houses.. if it was any good id get someone to put up some money to back it... to publish it... but staying to the point here... id like to have a book ... and that means i would have to learn to be a writer.. and lets see.. typing is one skill that i could use.. to type really fast without looking... in order to keep up with my thoughts and my mind... without loosing that flow... from the reservoir in my head. The photos would probably be invasive and the words would probably be a little challenging and revealing of my mind. It would be nice.

So I have to find, or be open to finding a way to reach this ... i could write here in the coffee house, and also design the pages and the photos. I wonder how i'd do the layout - hmmm maybe i should look into that.

Someone said I should just let it go and just make a book of my htoughts - let my thoughts be on paper - as smooth as you please. Just as proud as can be... in spite of being different. - or sporatic or senseless! but mostly i do make sense.... if you get a laugh or a stimulation out of it - cool cool cool.

So not only do i love photography and I'm good at it, but the same goes for writing - and i dont care about typos... if you care, then this book wont be for you. HA!

I should keep taking notes - life is so hard - in my head - and you'll find out why - and youll learn about my thoughts - once and for all... this production online needs the truth - all of it. YEAH!

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

hi there - good stuff mostly

no particular order - things are getting better

she says in july shes moving to sarasota and if i dont move with her we're breaking up because she wont do a long distance relationship - tho its only about 50 miles away. For all the time I have known her, she has lived various distances from me. But this one apparently will be just over the limit. I'm not gonna worry about that - I have enough on my plate right now. And there's no way of knowing when to take her literally... or to just pass it off as blowing steam.

My house is really my phase one dream house. It's not the real thing but its just a room I'm renting. It has the wood floors, the high cieling and the natural land and a train track next to it - all the things I have always loved - plus it has a fireplace in my room, and a pond, and lots of shade, large trees, and its a bikes ride away from my favorite coffee house. My window looks out into the greenery of the back yard with a peek of the train tracks and the pond. I have many things that I love and enjoy in my room - a few of which I have not yet unpacked.

So now is the time to set my course to makign money - i think it might be a good year to try to make a lot of money - to save some... etc. I'm in a good environment and I think things could line up well.

I have been learing a lot about how to behave with and for a woman - me and my friends have talked - and things.. at least i know i feel better and things are better.

Friday, January 21, 2005


Its very difficult.

Let me take off my shoes - its cold in here. I took off my shirt but its cold. I would rather have it off but its cold. I didn't like it on - but its cold in here - in my heart.

I used to believe in God. I used to choose every day to believe in God. Now I'm cold and alone. It's not God's fault.

Let me take off my shoes. Not imagine it, but actually do it. Unbuckle and take them off one by one. I think i can do it - but something's slowng me down - so slow and so cold. I can't decide if its real or if i'm imagining it. Am i cold? Where is it cold? Am i uncomfortable? is it all in my head?

I can be ok. Sometimes i am ok. Sometimes I am GREAT!

Let me take these shoes off.

Now they're off. I don't feel any different. But now, now there are shoes on the floor.

Now i took off my socks. I dont feel any different. But now it smells in here.

I hate this chair but i like it better than any other chair I've had this year. My last one was thrown out - but that's ok. I was leaving.

It's very difficult. Now what is my home? If i have a new place to live, is it home? How can i make it a home? It may never be a home.

Have i ever been at home?

Everyplace is home. I'm a hobo and a free spirit. You can hate me. i don't know why you want to.

I don't want to take off my pants. I have work to do. But I'm happy to see my flip flops are here in the floor. Most of my belongings are in boxes.

I lit some candles - After lighting them i had the urge to place them in a perimiter and tell the spirits that they can not enter and to visualise my body as a light that is strong and that bad energy cannot penetrate. But what's the use? I don't like that life any more. Now I'm just a useless dying rodent. I'm a product of being in society. I'm a punching bag. I chose to be. I have a long way to go before I can believe in God, and in the Earth and in Myself.

I really need to wach myself - my body, my clothes and my teeth and hair. I can't be dirtied by those that don't know me - those that put onto me the dirty garments - those why think they know me and who judge me. They make me dirty. They dirty my face. My clothes are essential to me - i have to choose - but they insist that i am something that is not apparent to them. They insist i am something that they expect and I am not that. I am something hidden. I am something sacred.

I can be destroyed. You can kill me. You aready have and I have chosen to be alive in spite of it. To be alive tho I am dead hurts me and it takes a lot of strength because they want me dead.

I'm trying to live again... I am not indeed trying in truth. I am not trying to live - I'm trying to wait to live.

What things should I put up with?

I have hatred. All things are turning red in that i have lost view of the subtleties and have only to hold onto fear. I'm afraid to die. I'm afraid to live. I was once a roman warrior and also stood beside the druids. now look at my clothes - what temptation is this? i am waiting to see. i speak in part madness.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Look Man

Its so stupid - a bunch of vultutres they are - and why make fun of something that so many people hold sacred? I mean, I CHALLENGE these beliefes but others make fun of it, or try to profit from the satire and ridicule of the christian faith. There's a large group of people who make fun of christianity just to make money, or to make christians look bad, or to cause an even wider rift between the christian culture and the progressive more left groups. It's so stupid - so very very stupid the way people make fun of being gay, make fun of being christian, make fun, make fun, make fun. Laugh about everything and thats the answer to everything.

Laughter is madness. Laughter is a spasm. Laughter is a drug induced orgasm. Laughter is stupidity. How can we make light and laugh about things so serious? Why is it so accepted to make fun of so many things while the issues are suffering a general lack of healing. Laughter is a healer but it is also a killer. Make fun of things - poke fun, poke a stick in the shit and pull it out and smell it. Wave it around, fling the steaming smelly organic sticky crap all over your world and all over yourself. Make the world a happy place you worthless lost ass.

How can you draw a conclusion and why do you jump to such conclusions such as the will of God for America or that there's no god. What is right and what is wrong? In this world we live in, it is only determined by respect. Respect for our community. I do have a sensitive spot for the name of jesus because like all things, it is a path and for some is sacred. I would not make this path a laughing matter. Respect for your community and your role in it is what reinforces your actions. Some poeple say the law and the bible should be the same... or that when the law becomes different from the bible, we should cry out.

If you're gonna make fun of something - have you been there? Have you been in those shoes? Are you just uncomfortable and cant stand diversity? You have to make fun of what's different? Do you believe in anything? Is it something you hide because you're afraid people will make fun of it? the same way you make fun of others who believe in something. When you believe in something, you are blessed. You are hot or cold. When you dont believe in anything, you're luke warm. Fear is weakness and weakness is fear. Strength is courage and courage is knowing yourself. Courage is power and that is knowing yourself and taking actions and reacting according to a doctrine and constitution that you believe in. Don't be a coward. Don't worry about things. Decide. Stand up. Set your face against something. Push something. Believe in something and put all your strength and passion behind it, using your body, mind and spirit, listening to reason and processing the rebuke with zeal.

So what do i believe in? That's none of your business. The reason I write, is to speak out of a reservoir of truths that i find to be universaly applicable to all energy forms. My experience is different from yours. My truth is different from yours but shares the same laws of actuation and unction. Beyond the tip of your nose is not your responsibility. This area is taken care of by the energy you emit and is like a dance of numbers on paper as to the trail of processes that returns to you. You can't control the waves once they leave you and no matter what waves you send out after them they are going to bring back to you an equal reciprocity effect. This is sometimes called Karma. Call it what you will. The point is, you live your life from the inside out. You cannot fix or stop the flaming arrows you send out once they are sent. You get only what you give. Some say they have an unfair life. They feel that life is unjust for them... perhaps for everyone. This in itself causes them to suffer and is a form of depression. Depression is the state of being in a room that you do not want to be in, yet feeling that you cannot escape. Perhaps it is that you are impatient and not willing to put in the effort to build or devise a way out. You have to find hope. You have to have faith in something. wait for it, believe that it will come. Look for it. Keep your eyes open. Reach for it. Expect it. And from the ceiling will come a rope ladder out. It may be real it might be fake but either way its a way out... it is the key that unlocks the blockage and allows you to move in the way light wishes to move... electricity and energy. You can move and feel the world and affect the world and be alive and be among the living. You can hold the live wire that lights up others who need faith and who are also looking for that way out. This will prove to you that you are alive.

I really hate band wagons - i hate the real world reality tv thing. I hate the "gay agenda" that the protestants perceive. I hate the gay tv trend that is so "naughty"... because its not naughty. It's not funny... any more. It's over used. Its just reality now... and we all know that reality tv is anything but reality - thank goodness we dont HAVE to watch tv because it treally sucks. It really really sucks. I want real reality. I want individuality.

Ok I'm pretty tired now. I really don't know myself. I know this because I don't understand why I'm so different than others. I don't understand why they tell me things that surprise me about their perceptions of me. I cherrish those that will talk to me.. It's rare that I find someone who will talk to me and humor me on my turf. Mostly its people that I myself find very interesting and challenging. I want to challenge myself and i seek a challenge.

I really should get to bed.. I'm developing a new lifestyle for myself and I'm pretty excited about it. It is a very intricately outlined system of productivity.

Monday, January 10, 2005

A Different Kind of Love

You gave me flowers and kisses on lips...
You let me hold your hand

You gave me symbols society grips
You built for us a plan

You gave me grace to measure up
to standards you increased

one for every boy who you've known
a few for father man


You counted every hurt you felt
forgave me seven fold

and hid from me each bitter tear
in boxes lined with gold

Forgetting harms that hold you tight
imagine worlds away

The preasure builds and steam escapes
it longs to break the mould


A different kind of love
I've waited through the days
For you to see me here
instead of far away

I'm sick of waiting here
And holdin back the years
You'll take a part of me
to put into your box of tears



Friday, January 07, 2005

I really wish i was in the woods right now. I hate when I'm in society and dont have money - eventually - even if i did have money i'd spend it all - and then I'd just have my tools - which i never sell or trade away. Tho i cut things i dont need. I dont wanna live as a robot. If i had money I'd just get more and more tied down by social relations and want to break away.

Tonight I'm feeling a need to choose. Will i live in society or will i become one of those people who just lives to his own wanderings. I hate the DIRECTION society is going in and i hate that I am not sold into it completely because if i was i woulnd't have such problems - then i hear someone say - "You'll have problems everywhere you go" then i say "well then i might as well be where i'm most comfortable - and thats not locked into society"

I've managed to almost make myself free. You know, I never really did it. I just have one ongoing relationship which i happen to have recently fostered - with a band. I should tell them about this and tell them to hang on until i get back from my soulsearch. I also have some paintings to sell, and a church to play at on sunday morning. I can't believe I get suckered into this stuff - sometimes its not being suckered but being PUSHED into it. If I'm gonna stay in society it means I'll be subject to the waves of poeple pushing me around. Its not as bad as it once was tho. But for now, I only took his offer because I'm still gonna be in town by then.

The only other issue is my girlfriend. I need to be completely cut off from her and everyone else in order for this to work. This is what I have to do.. and if i dont get my way, then they will lose me. I know that they will worry about me. Maybe they will stop worrying and then one day forget about me. I would really like that but it can't happen.

I used to tell myself "I just have to make it through this weekend... " and i made it through the last one and was expecting to be home free... maybe i should go and cancle the amp i have on layaway. I dont want that over my head while I'm trying to free myself from the soil of society. Maybe I should sell my car once dad writes it over to me and become a woodsman. i really just wanna be an animal in the woods. I wanna just hide from all people except those that are like me.. those that dont scare me or try to eat me...

My car helps me to be safe - to run from what? It's a shelter and it holds my belongings securely. It's security. I can hide in it. I can run away in it. It's a crutch. It's a vehicle. I could use it to do "good" things. I hate so many things. I hate society. I hate violence most of all. I even hate eating plants. I hate everything that i have to do to stay alive. I hate chemical reactions inside my body. I hate ups and downs. I hate downs and i like ups but i hate the system of both fighting against one another for cerebral space.... percieved time and place. Perceived perception.

I want to build a fire but you cant do that here in this subdivision... and even if i could, it would go out and I would fall asleep late - much too late to get up in the morning to provide services to redeem for funds to facilitate keeping my place owned by myself so i could build more fires at night... perhaps fire is like anything else - too much of it will harm you. Go to bed at sunset and rise at sunrise and while you sleep, you will stay in the shelter and in the warmth of your abode.

Who will go with me? Who will stay gone with me? Who will travel? Who is searching for the same things? Who will help me and let me help them find ourselves and keep ourselves?

While I'm away, I'll write... maybe it will help someone - maybe I'll become a teacher, a healer. Thoughts heal.

So... what will i do with my car? I'll use it as a tool to aid my tribe, my family. I will not call it evil, but for the fact that I have to pay the institutions where insurance comes from, a fixed periodic fee. $100 a month? Would this be my rent? Yes, and would save me from having to rent my car priveledges as well as a house.

I will not stay, I will go. This time, in my car, this time, my way. I'm glad I was able to pay my insurance for my car - my last payment and now my dad signs this van over to me. I'll watch it carefully and cherrish it as my vehicle to great places and my mobile home such as a turtle has in his burrow or a snail has under his leaf. Or such as a kangaroo baby has on its mother. I can not stay. I must graze and gather and share. I must not become stale and stagnate. I must not be what i fear; i must not live in the way I despise.

I'm not sure about destiny - i would like to find out tho. Meditation can bring truth but can also bring false faith in illusions. I dont want to be lost in lies. I want to live in the truth and be true to my heart. That is my only truth and the place in which my only crime can be done.