Sunday, December 26, 2004

boxes of mollassas

I'm in my girlfriends house packin my stuff in anything i can find. I remember how someone once got kicked out of the hotel i was stayin in - he waited and waied to move out because he didn't have his rent and finaly he got physically removed - and all his stuff got stacked up by the side of the road. Nothing was in boxes and it was a pitiful sight. I didn't feel bad for the guy tho - if anything i was afraid to go near him or his shameful pile of cheap sorry crap. Well I can relate to anyone who has ever had to pack up and move. It always been a fact of my life.
There are not really many hard feelings about what I'm doing right now. I don't have a place to go but that never stopped me before. My only tie to civilization right now is that I have an obligation to play on new years eve. Thank goodness its only from 6pm to 10pm. I hate that whole happy new year moment. It's like - what is there to celebrate? That the old year that really sucked is over? That's what it seems like to me. You dont know if he next year will be good. At least from a materialistic standpoint... or a superficial point of view. I can tell you one thing - i dont wanna be stuck wandering the streets without a job. If I'm gonna be in society, I want a job and i want to enjoy life. I could easily move to the forest as well. It's free to live in the national forests. I could move from forest to forest if I chose to do so. It might be a little boring but I could find things to do I'm sure. There's always the problem of girls tho. I've told myself I can be happy without that game in my life. But just by thinking about girls and wishing i was playing the game is bad enough. Right now I am in the thick of it...
The whole thing about being in this relationship right now is that I feel like I'm trapped in molassas. It's like - I can't prove I'm trapped - because I can move around - but its just very restricting. Sure there are some ok moments... just like anything - but I can't meet my dearest goals and needs. Most of my needs that I cannot meet are emotional and artistic lifestyle goals. A little bit of freedom, mobility, expression, ego and pride, and rebellion... and exploration. It's amazing how everyone feels like they get trapped. I mean to ask once again some new questions to people face to face - "When do you feel that others put you in a box?" "What about molassas?" I had some other thoughts in mind as well but right now I have not been able to remember. In the past i have asked "What makes you happy?" But anyways... At least right now I dont feel like things are nearly as bad as they were. I got involved with this girl, and have not really been happy since. It's been nothing but a challenge and a growing experience. I dont wanna be burned out and run down by this - I wanna be shined and polished from it. I wanna ring like a polished brass bell. I want to be able to breath when i think of my life, as i breath when my room or space is cleaned. Sometimes life can feel cluttered, dirty and cumbersome. It can take a long time to learn to ignore the dust under the rug or the broken toys behind the curtain. Until they are gone and cleaned in reality, they can always be an encumbrance. I dont wanna be constantly looking over my shoulder at my life behind me. I have to live in peace. Even if and when it would require sacrifice. When I am traveling - in life, in my mind or in the physical, I tend to travel light. I know the importance of choosing carefully what to give away, what to keep and what to leave behind.
So now, i must return to my task. Some things that have been really nice lately are this Yerba Mate infusion drink and my new hat. My girlfriend does some great things for me - but I will not push her beyond her level of comfort because she is very busy with school and work and needs my support. But I am going through many challenges and must try to function and make choices that are best for us both because she is sensitive to my moves.

Saturday, December 11, 2004

What My Time is Worth

Can't you just come by and do your thing for a minute and then you can go? I'll pay you $50 - that's what a musician makes in 2 hours usualy. You dont even have to show up for rehearsal. Come on, you aren't that busy - you don't have a job or a family. What do you do all day? I wish i was living your life. Hey you gotta pay the bills some how - use it or lose it. It must be nice being rich and not having to work (sarchasm). Hey after all, it's music and it's what you enjoy - music isn't a job it's a gift. You were born being able to play. You should just play for free. Besides, there's a lot of great musicians out there who will jump to fill your spot.

Well this is my reply to that mentality. I don't like it. I sometimes put myself in those situations - less and less lately. I say no now on a regular basis, knowing that my time is valuable. Here are some reasons its not worth it.

- If i don't enjoy the job
- If i have to wear a costume
- If i have to play at the same place every week
- If i don't get paid enough
- If i don't choose the music
- If i have to sit around doing nothing for long periods of time
- If i have to drive far or in rush hour
- If i have to be there early in the day
- If i have to rehearse without pay to play other peoples' music
- If i have to advocate someones religeon through my participation
- If i have to smile
- If the sound system is bad or poorly run
- If there is a conflict of management
- If there is bad communication
- etc

I have found that i am more happy selling or manufacturing goods to sell in a trade market - online in particular, shipping and recieving from my house.

I have found that i cannot perform unless I am advocating only myself and my own ideas.

I have found that i should do what i believe in and follow my heart and stay independant from people who try to control me for their own desires.

I have found that a line must be drawn and repected.

My time is worth a lot to me, and how i spend it is important to me.

When i perform someplace, I must rehearse and put my best forward or i will hate what i do. There is no such thing as a small or easy job. When i perform it has to be great. And great means - my best - and my best means my greatest potential... which includes my ability to be creative, and a agreat performer, confident in my presentation and my performance. There is no such thing as a small gig and no small amount of money will allow me to play a small gig. I try to play where i am happy and i do not refuse money when all else is well. It is in times when i am doing what is most natural for me that i find it most suitable and appropriate to collect a fee.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

poem right now

The things i love are few and are not plenty
The things i love are not adored by many
I celebrate my love for life with one among a million
With two I raise my glass out of 2 million souls unwilling

True beauty's only found amongst the truest shame
Without it ugliness would not egsist or have a name
A profit for the soul won't come without a cirtain end
to some deep hidden luxury you cherrish as a friend

I want to lose myself inside a world of my design
Instead I swirl and tumble with my head in my behind
This day will be my past and I will bury it below
No Marker will betray me and so not a soul will know

I am a living secret and a mystery for sure
A living life experiment to which i have no cure
I am a silent lullaby from lips of crimson red
and one day i will fly above the clouds if i endure