Thursday, March 17, 2005

shaved my head

well i finally went off the deep end. Knew i would didn't you? I shaved my head. this makes it even harder for me to so the pressing things i feel the fear to do - to get work and all that. Now i look and feel like a complete utter idiot! I have to wear a hat everywhere i go now. I hate the shape of my head and i hate the way i look when i have no hair or even short hair. it'll be a long time before it starts to look good again and its gonna be hard to manage and just a pain in the butt.

I've been still feeling horrible lately - my room is a mess and i am a wreck. i was glad shannon showed me that she loves me and is still into me. We kissed in her room and in the airport... serious good long kisses... like Big Red. Shoot - tomorrow is garbage day - that means i have to haul out the huge garbage can full of all the broken furniture from my room. from the back of the house. But - yeah i have had this nervous feeling in my stomach for over a week now. maybe two. Right when everything seemed great and fine - something bad happened again. I felt horrible - shannon's mom just made me feel terrible... without any regard for my feelings. She slanders my name. She says things and thinks things about me that aren't true. I'm worried that she will come between me and shannon.

i sit and wait. i am alone. i have no value. no home

i'm an idiot and a old man - a loser. a failed artist - failed at life. noone believes in me! its true - the world is only trying to destroy you - so they can live and succeed by stepping on your head.

i hope things get better. Its not easy to feel this way and to do anything...

I hope i can get an apartment in sarasota of my own without shannons mom's help

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

no such thing as friends

well - this is what i've decided today - to help me stay sane...

there are no such things as friends - the way we know them. A friend in truth is just someone you can't trust. he is a person you let close to you in your life and leave yourself vulnerable to. Why would you let someone so close? Why would you risk your soul to someone who isn't family? So my rule is that they are either family or not. When someone is close to you - they have to be your family. Even if they aren't of your same blood, they can be family. This means, you trust completley or nothing at all. John can never be my friend because i wont have friends ever again. I will only have family. Anyone outside of family will be distant from me. It will take an act of god practically to cause someone to become my family.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Stuck Nut

So my car has been busted. Today i prayed over this bolt that had been stuck - I said "God, witness to me by helping me to fix this. Be what I can't be right now." and i put on that vice grip, got it on the best i could, and held on tight for the ride... *push*...*pull*.. *SNAP!* the bolt was free... FINALLY!!!! i wasn't reall excited, i just stopped and breathed. I was in awe. I was glad that i had prayed because now i can say God helped me. "God helped me" - i liked those words.

Today in church someone - a new friend of mine, came to me and gave me $50 for free to help to fix my van. God blessed my van because of that - this guy touched a point of faith with me and it caused thigs to happen good for my van, for me, for him, for God's kingdom, potentially everyone... because this glorified God with a small gesture that touches our small lives that will ring for an eternity.

Now i have to get the rest of the nuts off and get the alternator out of the car. I'm sure it will be a nice adventure.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Sacred Pain

I rode in the cold rain to rehearsal after noone showed up to pick me up. My girlfriend was at my best friends house recording her album with him. Later i got home and started to just go crazy. They hadn't returned any of the messages i had sent them online and they were online. I called her and said something in an angry voice and used a cuss word and hung up on her. I had told her that i've been home since fucking 9 pm waititng for her to say something. It was 11 pm. I got dressed in black and went out in the yard and trimmed the bushes in the rain, waiting for her. It felt like an hour passed, and my rage rose and i would yell as i cut the really big branches. Once, i stood in the front yard and yelled from deep inside my body and to me it was very resounding and fulfilling, as it sounded like an animal that was meant to express such barks and howls. I found another large brazilian pepper tree to trim, and to cut eventually to the ground. I somehow found my way back inside. I can't remember much of the events nor do i care to after that - nor do i want to repeat them.

Love will prevail. Yet i hate love. I want to live, yet i would love to see myself bleed and eventually fade away.

I am killed regularly and brought back to life. What if i were never to come back? Would i find peace?

While out in the darkness with the small drizzel of rain drops falling all over me, i raised my cutting sheers up to the sky and positioned my hands on the metal after the rubber handles and pointed the cutting tips straight up and said in a medium voice "someone please tell me now how I can be happy and not kill myself or die prematurely." Then i was cutting branches again and found myself repeating that. i said it outloud about 10 times before walking to the front yard and screaming.

Later, i was on the phone with shannon. I had checked my messages before and she hadn't left any messages. So when i called her, i asked "Would you like to tell me where you are?" She had left my friends house, so i found out, right after i called her, and said that she and my best friend couldn't be friends any more or record her album. And now she says - it just seems silly, that album any more. Well, on the phone she told me she dind't come over because i had cussed at her and hung up the phone. I thought she would sense the urgency and come right over and see to me about my matter. I don't have a working car so i can't drive over there. That's part of my griefe as well. But she had been hiding something grom me all this time- she didn't want me there because she wanted to feel like she did this album on her own without a boyfriend. it figures, she never wanted to do music with me and that's maybe why - she just can't feel proud of herself when her boyfriend is participating with her. She needs to feel proud and she can't unless it's on her own. So she is alone and so am I because of this, because she wounld't explain that to me and let me let her do this. So now we are wondering what to do - to break up or whatever. I am still so mad at times. But also i feel sorry at times for not reading her fucking mind. God - just like on her fucking birthday that she says I messed up. What a bitch. man I hated her for that bull shit. I hated her so much - at that time, she was my worst damn enemy. She had gradualy brought me down to the fucking slime of the gutters... And said it was all my fault. Bitch. She is just controlled by nothing more than her emotions and her lack of self control. But more objectively, she feels ashamed and stupid in most real life situations, yet i applaud her for trying, Yet I am discouraged when i see that all she cares about it looking smart. She wants to be proud of herself and feel like she is someone she can love and adore. She hasn't had this in her life and this is the thing i have been careful to help her to feel... the natural faith i have in her and how i want her to grow. She admits to me openly now that she doens't know herself. Yet, she doens't want me to help her. In fact, she wants to break up for a while just so she can find herlself. Its hard to say wheather or not I've wasted my time with her. And maybe i can still move on - I don't know - I think all women are "crazy" and it takes time to develop the right mutual respect and trust so i figure - i should just stay with her. I admited to my faults and was sincerely sorry and offered what ideas i could... to help our situation. I had earlier told her I didn't want to be firends with her or John, and if i could i would do that, but they are too close to me and I will never be able to live without them. I have learned to let myself love and now she says she has always been that way and she needs to learn to live without people - on her own. To me, this doesn't make a lot of sense... maybe she just worded it badly. Which is another thing she doens't believe in - she doesn't believe in wrong, or bad, yet she feels constant guilt. She tells me i am always cutting her down and i dont know where she gets that from. I do consider some things she does to be wreckless and distructive and futile, and wasteful and superstitious and weak and empty and habitual and ritualistic however. But that is stereotypicaly how she is. I know her pretty well and she is classically all of those things in many cases. I just want to see her happy with herself without needing those things... those distractions and diversions. And frankly, she embarrases me around her friends because of the ways she tries to look smart, and carrie's on in controversialy typical fashion, just as a fundamental born again dogmatic will harp over an over on sin and salvation, she harps on whatever is the opposite of that, as if we didn't hear her the first time, or as if she didn't say it well enough the first time, and has to keep repeating herself in an effort to be good enough and to finally feel validated. So i have a lot to put up with. When i met her she was singing with me on stage... impromptu and i liked it, i liked her. I knew i could be close to her since she was so musical but she never once has played or performed with me on stage... and she is making me suffer so profoundly because of her standards and limitations and fears. i have to choose to either wait for her or find a different, better life for myself.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Important Key to Success when all else FAILS

Hello readers. As you know I've been going through frustrating times and times of weakness and of being small. I've begun to grow stronger now, as always, with outside help not of myself.

Today I was just cleaning my room and realizing that I've been getting closer to the day that I'll get into some kind of personal project. Some time has passed since I've done a personal project and I've been in the mode of simply working to make some money, but also as a bonus, it happens to be mostly music work, which is uplifting my violin and bass playing aspects by requiring that i play those regularly. As i get more settled into my home, I'm begining once again, to see the light, as they say.

Let me just put this teaching out there, from my experience, for myself to see and to share with others:

...I'm a procrastinator with big dreams. These two points seem to push the other away with an ever expanding gulf between. They never want to meet. They want to perpetuate the others' existance. The bigger the dream, the harder it is to count the cost and start, and the harder it is to start, the bigger my dreams swell to - as they remain only in my mind and not in reality, giving them the freedom to grow out of practical means.

While in a meditation years ago, I was hit by a very simple revelation. "make up your mind what you are going to do, and be SURE to do it" this is easier said than done...

Today I want to share what i was reminded of and something new. This is how I plan to acheive my goals of late...

I will write them down first. Even if I know them by heart. I will establish a sacred tablet - probably my clipboard and paper. And I will write my goals there. This way, I will revere these goals and see them often, in a light that demands respect. I will not have to remember them all the time, they will be seen and burned into my minds eye. They will not change. I will not be moved from them, as they will be in writing and will remain the same as i am tempted to procrastinate and to deviate, or to dream my practicality away.

The KEY to this showing results WITHOUT A DOUBT is POINT OF CONTACT. You have to break the goal down into steps, and this is the key - listen - EACH STEP MUST TOUCH REALITY. Each step has to be a real life application and not something you just simply file away in a drawer in your mind or your desk under the label "accomplishments". NO! This will only cause you to go farther into your own imagination and your own rationality without accountability to the real world. You will breed a spirit of complacency and you will never feel the true nourishment of success. The fruits of your labor are not just for desert and leisure and reward but for NOURISHMENT! Each step along the way of your path towards your goal must be designed along a simple strategy that brings you a tangible GAIN.

For example...

Let's say I want to be a ROCK STAR! I could lock myself in my room for months until i have a book full of lyrics and book full of guitar chords and a tape recorder full of hashings of recordings, and then sort it all out until i have the finished material... then practice it all and then record it in a real studio - YES I COULD DO THAT.... BUT.... on paper and in theory that sounds great - noble and admirable... but I am not that great, noble and admirable! FEW ARE! We all have weaknesses and emotional needs.

Let's do this again, this time my new way - So I wanna be a rock n roll superstar...

1. find a place that will let me sing my songs at an open mic.
2. make a song list of 3 songs for an open mic and practice them
3. play at the open mic
4. record these songs and sell them on a CD the following week.
5. repeat steps one through 4
6. make a compilation CD of about 9 songs
7. i could add an additional open mic to my regiment - for a couple months.
8. i could then start getting interested musicians to start a band of my songs and play at the open mics around town
9. make a new CD - this time with the band
10. use that CD to get more gigs around the town, state and country
11. make a record deal with some label
12. keep performing and then I will be a ROCK STAR!

So you see? It's about using what you have to get what you want. Plan and strategize your direction in a way that brings you fruit along the way and props you up higher, stronger, and more secure as you go, so that if (and when) you fall, you will only fall back so far and will be able to keep going where you started out going!

I'm glad i could be so postive once again. It's not easy to be like this, to have a vision and to approach it with such enthusiasm and clarity - this takes something special. I feel so much better to be using my mind again and my heart in ways that will bring fruit!

I wish you all to be blessed with success and happiness