Monday, February 28, 2005

I Hate Everything I Do But...

So i wanna make a note here - i hate most everything i do but i'd like to do it anyways - and I'd like for others to experience and have access to my completed thoughts and products! How can i learn to finish things even tho i hate them???????

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Unexpected Wonder

Today i slept most of the day after getting up really early to play at church.

As some of "you" may know - i've been in a bad mood... getting old and cranky. Well today in church when i was playing in front of everyone, it was an interesting and great experience.

I guess I can just say that i felt the devine spirit on fire in my body and soul while we were playing and we set it up so that i was on bass till the last song was ending adn then i would segue into the violin. So as i was getting up to play the violin - man i felt electric and started to shake! It was the holy spirit. I've not experienced that much - and i know that i was gifted to play music in the spirit. One of my more clairvoiant friends once, long ago, told me i had a golden aura glowing around my head when i was singing and playing guitar on this one song about angels. Well i felt it then too. I have gone through a crappy time... a hard time of growing and learning adult lessons and its made me sometimes not the happiest or positive person in the world - very not typical of me.. I've felt like giving up everything - for the first time in my life - also very not typical of me. But after this, I've found hope to go on once again - and to find that positive self again.

I love everything adn everyone .. thanks to the devine for blessing me - I'm glad i was able to capture the very evil side of me as well as the great cleansing spirit that was in me today -

I realize some folks may be very upset about the things i write - let it be


hello!!!!! :)

I'm not really that happy - i can't get happy lately. There is no such thing as a good thing any more. It's all relative - perhaps... why does that matter? What's it relative to any more? Nothings relative any more.. because i have no absolutes. A shrink once told me - there is no such thing as normal. Man what a miserable life to lead if you believe that. I told him that God is normal. He is our rock and our standard, i thought to myself. Now, i've lost that natural response. I've become like that shrink.

I used to ride a rollercoaster up and down with soaring highs and terrible lows. I was HOT and COLD now i am just luke warm. Yes God, i know, you will spew me out... go ahead, i can't help it. It't your choice and do whatever you want with me. As long as it's you doing it i dont care where you send me... as long as its your choice and as long as i know you have to live with what you do with me. I've given myself to you. I've let go of everything i believe - i've let go of everything that made sense and of everythign anyone has ever taught me.

The only fact is that which has been experienced by one or more of the senses. Everything else is heresay and speculation.

I used to plan my life. I used to have standards for myself - standards that i placed on myself alone. I've also lived in total yeild to my heart for a season. Both had advantages. Both were growing and enriching times. Now... what am i? what do i have? what fuel and drive do i have? What is wrong with me?

I hate to say this - to reveal the key to my mysteries - but i've gotten a girlfriend for a year now. I've always been very hateful and cynical but now that i am with her, i've learned to be a really bad person as well as a really good person. I've learned that what i think and feel doesn't mean shit. It's made me really sick and angry at her and at myself. Being with her has brought out an ugly side of me i never knew could exsist. I have hated her and loved her. I've learned things about myself and people that i never could have known. It has not been a plesant experience. I've resented it for the most part - it's hurt me probably more than it's helped me. I hate myself and i hate life. And we aren't even married nor do we have a child or plans to get married. I just hate my life - probably because of knowing her. I guess its nature - it's not her fault. Nature brings you together so that you can make babies and stay together... I've faught nature and i suffer for it perhaps. But she is the only girl i have been in a relationship with. We probably almost didn't happen.

I hate everything



Saturday, February 26, 2005

God Loves Sinners - Christians Make Him Cry

I am so sick of Christians. SICK!!!!!! SO FUCKING SICK!!!!

Probably the main reason is because i am one of them and it makes me mad to see it the way they are.

What else can i be?

My life is ruined because of Christianity. I am labled one and they define who i am based on their numbers and their voices.

Where else can i go?

It is the one thing that has kept me alive and the one thing that is killing me.

I'm dead, yet I live.

I'm the envy of all the pagans and the witches and the vampires... because i am in the middle of the drama that they themselves feed from. But i hate myself. Christians love me and want what they feel is best for me. I don't want anything from anyone but to FUCKING LIVE!!!

Get out of my life!


Thursday, February 24, 2005

desire leaves me dead

everything has become pointless and meaningless. ive become like an animal. im like a mimicking bird or lizard who sings a different song for every situation - or wears a different set of rags for different occassions. i have only one motivation in life... to stay off the streets and out of my mother and father's charitable home. I'm 28, and a musician and i am not playing anything really good... except for the occasional riff here and there.

i've changed. im dead. nothing means anything to me anymore. i see the little ants tho... when im trimming the bushes and i blow them off the branches before i cut. When i see the limbs i've cut to the ground, i know ive hurt something, killed something. I'm observing. i have no hopes and no dreams. I'm hollow inside. There's no tread on my tires. How is it that I'm even still here? Maybe I'm not even here. I might as well not be.

When i die i believe I'll just cease to exist. I don't believe in heaven any more. I don't believe in hell any more. I don't believe in god or love. this is how ive changed. Everything we say and teach is meaningless. We are just animals. Why do we pretend to be something more? Why do we complicate our lives with ceremonies and standards? With institutions and enforcement?

Life is a spinning ball of mud, a shivering chime of a bell. By the sweat of your brow you labor and then return to the ground for from earth you were taken and to the earth you will return.

-unless this was pointed out as a precursor to salvation - when all who have died will take on new incoruptable bodies. We have to be earth and die in the spirit first... according to the adamic tradition... the stories.

now im so tired. ive been working more lately than ive ever been used to. I dont sleep at regular shifts. I hate going to sleep and i hate waking up. Constantly we are dragged through phase after phase of trials. Everything i do is not enough. I feel insufficient in all things. in my personal expressions i have few rewards.

there is bery little i can hope for. i hate life and i hate this lie, this blindness, this futility. i hate christians and i hate the lost. i am full of hate but it never shows in the obvious ways. it comes out in other ways. I dont yell or carry around a sign. i dont want to be healed... FROM WHAT? is healing going to make the world go away?

Friday, February 04, 2005

Waiting for the right time

So I wait for the right feeling - for my life to have this power - before i set off to make it a habit to create my best music.

But then i was thinking - why have I been this way?? If my life was ever perfect and powerful, its not going to happen by accident and even if it happened, I woulnd't care much about making songs - and making a band.

And I was like... wow... NOW .... IS ..... the time... not some distant time and manifestation. But this is me... i have been denying who i am - and denying that i am WHO I AM.... NOW.

So i have to get used to this new sod in my perception - the sod that i stand on - have been always standing on but never acknowledged it. I've been waiting till i was worthy - till i was stronger, till i was somene.. else.