Monday, January 31, 2005

That Was Funny - Do it AGAIN!

I'd love to be able to write on a dime - to be able to spit out things that are relevant - at any given time - but i can't - Its like... a faucet - ya know... the reservoire is there in the giant tank above the city - and if you want some, you turn the dial and it comes out - when you want it - and exactly as much as you want - i wish i could be that way - cause then i could write and say things that are perfectly relevant and concise and of the right amplitude to serve the needs of the moment at hand. BUT I can't - not yet anyways. But I'm just being aware of it... the reason is...

ID LOVE TO WRITE A BOOK!!!!!! - with little tid bits, and pictures and drawings - something with a great cover and a provocative title and that would be a good table top item... and put it in all the coffee houses.. if it was any good id get someone to put up some money to back it... to publish it... but staying to the point here... id like to have a book ... and that means i would have to learn to be a writer.. and lets see.. typing is one skill that i could use.. to type really fast without looking... in order to keep up with my thoughts and my mind... without loosing that flow... from the reservoir in my head. The photos would probably be invasive and the words would probably be a little challenging and revealing of my mind. It would be nice.

So I have to find, or be open to finding a way to reach this ... i could write here in the coffee house, and also design the pages and the photos. I wonder how i'd do the layout - hmmm maybe i should look into that.

Someone said I should just let it go and just make a book of my htoughts - let my thoughts be on paper - as smooth as you please. Just as proud as can be... in spite of being different. - or sporatic or senseless! but mostly i do make sense.... if you get a laugh or a stimulation out of it - cool cool cool.

So not only do i love photography and I'm good at it, but the same goes for writing - and i dont care about typos... if you care, then this book wont be for you. HA!

I should keep taking notes - life is so hard - in my head - and you'll find out why - and youll learn about my thoughts - once and for all... this production online needs the truth - all of it. YEAH!

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

hi there - good stuff mostly

no particular order - things are getting better

she says in july shes moving to sarasota and if i dont move with her we're breaking up because she wont do a long distance relationship - tho its only about 50 miles away. For all the time I have known her, she has lived various distances from me. But this one apparently will be just over the limit. I'm not gonna worry about that - I have enough on my plate right now. And there's no way of knowing when to take her literally... or to just pass it off as blowing steam.

My house is really my phase one dream house. It's not the real thing but its just a room I'm renting. It has the wood floors, the high cieling and the natural land and a train track next to it - all the things I have always loved - plus it has a fireplace in my room, and a pond, and lots of shade, large trees, and its a bikes ride away from my favorite coffee house. My window looks out into the greenery of the back yard with a peek of the train tracks and the pond. I have many things that I love and enjoy in my room - a few of which I have not yet unpacked.

So now is the time to set my course to makign money - i think it might be a good year to try to make a lot of money - to save some... etc. I'm in a good environment and I think things could line up well.

I have been learing a lot about how to behave with and for a woman - me and my friends have talked - and things.. at least i know i feel better and things are better.

Friday, January 21, 2005


Its very difficult.

Let me take off my shoes - its cold in here. I took off my shirt but its cold. I would rather have it off but its cold. I didn't like it on - but its cold in here - in my heart.

I used to believe in God. I used to choose every day to believe in God. Now I'm cold and alone. It's not God's fault.

Let me take off my shoes. Not imagine it, but actually do it. Unbuckle and take them off one by one. I think i can do it - but something's slowng me down - so slow and so cold. I can't decide if its real or if i'm imagining it. Am i cold? Where is it cold? Am i uncomfortable? is it all in my head?

I can be ok. Sometimes i am ok. Sometimes I am GREAT!

Let me take these shoes off.

Now they're off. I don't feel any different. But now, now there are shoes on the floor.

Now i took off my socks. I dont feel any different. But now it smells in here.

I hate this chair but i like it better than any other chair I've had this year. My last one was thrown out - but that's ok. I was leaving.

It's very difficult. Now what is my home? If i have a new place to live, is it home? How can i make it a home? It may never be a home.

Have i ever been at home?

Everyplace is home. I'm a hobo and a free spirit. You can hate me. i don't know why you want to.

I don't want to take off my pants. I have work to do. But I'm happy to see my flip flops are here in the floor. Most of my belongings are in boxes.

I lit some candles - After lighting them i had the urge to place them in a perimiter and tell the spirits that they can not enter and to visualise my body as a light that is strong and that bad energy cannot penetrate. But what's the use? I don't like that life any more. Now I'm just a useless dying rodent. I'm a product of being in society. I'm a punching bag. I chose to be. I have a long way to go before I can believe in God, and in the Earth and in Myself.

I really need to wach myself - my body, my clothes and my teeth and hair. I can't be dirtied by those that don't know me - those that put onto me the dirty garments - those why think they know me and who judge me. They make me dirty. They dirty my face. My clothes are essential to me - i have to choose - but they insist that i am something that is not apparent to them. They insist i am something that they expect and I am not that. I am something hidden. I am something sacred.

I can be destroyed. You can kill me. You aready have and I have chosen to be alive in spite of it. To be alive tho I am dead hurts me and it takes a lot of strength because they want me dead.

I'm trying to live again... I am not indeed trying in truth. I am not trying to live - I'm trying to wait to live.

What things should I put up with?

I have hatred. All things are turning red in that i have lost view of the subtleties and have only to hold onto fear. I'm afraid to die. I'm afraid to live. I was once a roman warrior and also stood beside the druids. now look at my clothes - what temptation is this? i am waiting to see. i speak in part madness.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Look Man

Its so stupid - a bunch of vultutres they are - and why make fun of something that so many people hold sacred? I mean, I CHALLENGE these beliefes but others make fun of it, or try to profit from the satire and ridicule of the christian faith. There's a large group of people who make fun of christianity just to make money, or to make christians look bad, or to cause an even wider rift between the christian culture and the progressive more left groups. It's so stupid - so very very stupid the way people make fun of being gay, make fun of being christian, make fun, make fun, make fun. Laugh about everything and thats the answer to everything.

Laughter is madness. Laughter is a spasm. Laughter is a drug induced orgasm. Laughter is stupidity. How can we make light and laugh about things so serious? Why is it so accepted to make fun of so many things while the issues are suffering a general lack of healing. Laughter is a healer but it is also a killer. Make fun of things - poke fun, poke a stick in the shit and pull it out and smell it. Wave it around, fling the steaming smelly organic sticky crap all over your world and all over yourself. Make the world a happy place you worthless lost ass.

How can you draw a conclusion and why do you jump to such conclusions such as the will of God for America or that there's no god. What is right and what is wrong? In this world we live in, it is only determined by respect. Respect for our community. I do have a sensitive spot for the name of jesus because like all things, it is a path and for some is sacred. I would not make this path a laughing matter. Respect for your community and your role in it is what reinforces your actions. Some poeple say the law and the bible should be the same... or that when the law becomes different from the bible, we should cry out.

If you're gonna make fun of something - have you been there? Have you been in those shoes? Are you just uncomfortable and cant stand diversity? You have to make fun of what's different? Do you believe in anything? Is it something you hide because you're afraid people will make fun of it? the same way you make fun of others who believe in something. When you believe in something, you are blessed. You are hot or cold. When you dont believe in anything, you're luke warm. Fear is weakness and weakness is fear. Strength is courage and courage is knowing yourself. Courage is power and that is knowing yourself and taking actions and reacting according to a doctrine and constitution that you believe in. Don't be a coward. Don't worry about things. Decide. Stand up. Set your face against something. Push something. Believe in something and put all your strength and passion behind it, using your body, mind and spirit, listening to reason and processing the rebuke with zeal.

So what do i believe in? That's none of your business. The reason I write, is to speak out of a reservoir of truths that i find to be universaly applicable to all energy forms. My experience is different from yours. My truth is different from yours but shares the same laws of actuation and unction. Beyond the tip of your nose is not your responsibility. This area is taken care of by the energy you emit and is like a dance of numbers on paper as to the trail of processes that returns to you. You can't control the waves once they leave you and no matter what waves you send out after them they are going to bring back to you an equal reciprocity effect. This is sometimes called Karma. Call it what you will. The point is, you live your life from the inside out. You cannot fix or stop the flaming arrows you send out once they are sent. You get only what you give. Some say they have an unfair life. They feel that life is unjust for them... perhaps for everyone. This in itself causes them to suffer and is a form of depression. Depression is the state of being in a room that you do not want to be in, yet feeling that you cannot escape. Perhaps it is that you are impatient and not willing to put in the effort to build or devise a way out. You have to find hope. You have to have faith in something. wait for it, believe that it will come. Look for it. Keep your eyes open. Reach for it. Expect it. And from the ceiling will come a rope ladder out. It may be real it might be fake but either way its a way out... it is the key that unlocks the blockage and allows you to move in the way light wishes to move... electricity and energy. You can move and feel the world and affect the world and be alive and be among the living. You can hold the live wire that lights up others who need faith and who are also looking for that way out. This will prove to you that you are alive.

I really hate band wagons - i hate the real world reality tv thing. I hate the "gay agenda" that the protestants perceive. I hate the gay tv trend that is so "naughty"... because its not naughty. It's not funny... any more. It's over used. Its just reality now... and we all know that reality tv is anything but reality - thank goodness we dont HAVE to watch tv because it treally sucks. It really really sucks. I want real reality. I want individuality.

Ok I'm pretty tired now. I really don't know myself. I know this because I don't understand why I'm so different than others. I don't understand why they tell me things that surprise me about their perceptions of me. I cherrish those that will talk to me.. It's rare that I find someone who will talk to me and humor me on my turf. Mostly its people that I myself find very interesting and challenging. I want to challenge myself and i seek a challenge.

I really should get to bed.. I'm developing a new lifestyle for myself and I'm pretty excited about it. It is a very intricately outlined system of productivity.

Monday, January 10, 2005

A Different Kind of Love

You gave me flowers and kisses on lips...
You let me hold your hand

You gave me symbols society grips
You built for us a plan

You gave me grace to measure up
to standards you increased

one for every boy who you've known
a few for father man


You counted every hurt you felt
forgave me seven fold

and hid from me each bitter tear
in boxes lined with gold

Forgetting harms that hold you tight
imagine worlds away

The preasure builds and steam escapes
it longs to break the mould


A different kind of love
I've waited through the days
For you to see me here
instead of far away

I'm sick of waiting here
And holdin back the years
You'll take a part of me
to put into your box of tears



Friday, January 07, 2005

I really wish i was in the woods right now. I hate when I'm in society and dont have money - eventually - even if i did have money i'd spend it all - and then I'd just have my tools - which i never sell or trade away. Tho i cut things i dont need. I dont wanna live as a robot. If i had money I'd just get more and more tied down by social relations and want to break away.

Tonight I'm feeling a need to choose. Will i live in society or will i become one of those people who just lives to his own wanderings. I hate the DIRECTION society is going in and i hate that I am not sold into it completely because if i was i woulnd't have such problems - then i hear someone say - "You'll have problems everywhere you go" then i say "well then i might as well be where i'm most comfortable - and thats not locked into society"

I've managed to almost make myself free. You know, I never really did it. I just have one ongoing relationship which i happen to have recently fostered - with a band. I should tell them about this and tell them to hang on until i get back from my soulsearch. I also have some paintings to sell, and a church to play at on sunday morning. I can't believe I get suckered into this stuff - sometimes its not being suckered but being PUSHED into it. If I'm gonna stay in society it means I'll be subject to the waves of poeple pushing me around. Its not as bad as it once was tho. But for now, I only took his offer because I'm still gonna be in town by then.

The only other issue is my girlfriend. I need to be completely cut off from her and everyone else in order for this to work. This is what I have to do.. and if i dont get my way, then they will lose me. I know that they will worry about me. Maybe they will stop worrying and then one day forget about me. I would really like that but it can't happen.

I used to tell myself "I just have to make it through this weekend... " and i made it through the last one and was expecting to be home free... maybe i should go and cancle the amp i have on layaway. I dont want that over my head while I'm trying to free myself from the soil of society. Maybe I should sell my car once dad writes it over to me and become a woodsman. i really just wanna be an animal in the woods. I wanna just hide from all people except those that are like me.. those that dont scare me or try to eat me...

My car helps me to be safe - to run from what? It's a shelter and it holds my belongings securely. It's security. I can hide in it. I can run away in it. It's a crutch. It's a vehicle. I could use it to do "good" things. I hate so many things. I hate society. I hate violence most of all. I even hate eating plants. I hate everything that i have to do to stay alive. I hate chemical reactions inside my body. I hate ups and downs. I hate downs and i like ups but i hate the system of both fighting against one another for cerebral space.... percieved time and place. Perceived perception.

I want to build a fire but you cant do that here in this subdivision... and even if i could, it would go out and I would fall asleep late - much too late to get up in the morning to provide services to redeem for funds to facilitate keeping my place owned by myself so i could build more fires at night... perhaps fire is like anything else - too much of it will harm you. Go to bed at sunset and rise at sunrise and while you sleep, you will stay in the shelter and in the warmth of your abode.

Who will go with me? Who will stay gone with me? Who will travel? Who is searching for the same things? Who will help me and let me help them find ourselves and keep ourselves?

While I'm away, I'll write... maybe it will help someone - maybe I'll become a teacher, a healer. Thoughts heal.

So... what will i do with my car? I'll use it as a tool to aid my tribe, my family. I will not call it evil, but for the fact that I have to pay the institutions where insurance comes from, a fixed periodic fee. $100 a month? Would this be my rent? Yes, and would save me from having to rent my car priveledges as well as a house.

I will not stay, I will go. This time, in my car, this time, my way. I'm glad I was able to pay my insurance for my car - my last payment and now my dad signs this van over to me. I'll watch it carefully and cherrish it as my vehicle to great places and my mobile home such as a turtle has in his burrow or a snail has under his leaf. Or such as a kangaroo baby has on its mother. I can not stay. I must graze and gather and share. I must not become stale and stagnate. I must not be what i fear; i must not live in the way I despise.

I'm not sure about destiny - i would like to find out tho. Meditation can bring truth but can also bring false faith in illusions. I dont want to be lost in lies. I want to live in the truth and be true to my heart. That is my only truth and the place in which my only crime can be done.