boxes of mollassas

I'm in my girlfriends house packin my stuff in anything i can find. I remember how someone once got kicked out of the hotel i was stayin in - he waited and waied to move out because he didn't have his rent and finaly he got physically removed - and all his stuff got stacked up by the side of the road. Nothing was in boxes and it was a pitiful sight. I didn't feel bad for the guy tho - if anything i was afraid to go near him or his shameful pile of cheap sorry crap. Well I can relate to anyone who has ever had to pack up and move. It always been a fact of my life.
There are not really many hard feelings about what I'm doing right now. I don't have a place to go but that never stopped me before. My only tie to civilization right now is that I have an obligation to play on new years eve. Thank goodness its only from 6pm to 10pm. I hate that whole happy new year moment. It's like - what is there to celebrate? That the old year that really sucked is over? That's what it seems like to me. You dont know if he next year will be good. At least from a materialistic standpoint... or a superficial point of view. I can tell you one thing - i dont wanna be stuck wandering the streets without a job. If I'm gonna be in society, I want a job and i want to enjoy life. I could easily move to the forest as well. It's free to live in the national forests. I could move from forest to forest if I chose to do so. It might be a little boring but I could find things to do I'm sure. There's always the problem of girls tho. I've told myself I can be happy without that game in my life. But just by thinking about girls and wishing i was playing the game is bad enough. Right now I am in the thick of it...
The whole thing about being in this relationship right now is that I feel like I'm trapped in molassas. It's like - I can't prove I'm trapped - because I can move around - but its just very restricting. Sure there are some ok moments... just like anything - but I can't meet my dearest goals and needs. Most of my needs that I cannot meet are emotional and artistic lifestyle goals. A little bit of freedom, mobility, expression, ego and pride, and rebellion... and exploration. It's amazing how everyone feels like they get trapped. I mean to ask once again some new questions to people face to face - "When do you feel that others put you in a box?" "What about molassas?" I had some other thoughts in mind as well but right now I have not been able to remember. In the past i have asked "What makes you happy?" But anyways... At least right now I dont feel like things are nearly as bad as they were. I got involved with this girl, and have not really been happy since. It's been nothing but a challenge and a growing experience. I dont wanna be burned out and run down by this - I wanna be shined and polished from it. I wanna ring like a polished brass bell. I want to be able to breath when i think of my life, as i breath when my room or space is cleaned. Sometimes life can feel cluttered, dirty and cumbersome. It can take a long time to learn to ignore the dust under the rug or the broken toys behind the curtain. Until they are gone and cleaned in reality, they can always be an encumbrance. I dont wanna be constantly looking over my shoulder at my life behind me. I have to live in peace. Even if and when it would require sacrifice. When I am traveling - in life, in my mind or in the physical, I tend to travel light. I know the importance of choosing carefully what to give away, what to keep and what to leave behind.
So now, i must return to my task. Some things that have been really nice lately are this Yerba Mate infusion drink and my new hat. My girlfriend does some great things for me - but I will not push her beyond her level of comfort because she is very busy with school and work and needs my support. But I am going through many challenges and must try to function and make choices that are best for us both because she is sensitive to my moves.

What My Time is Worth

Can't you just come by and do your thing for a minute and then you can go? I'll pay you $50 - that's what a musician makes in 2 hours usualy. You dont even have to show up for rehearsal. Come on, you aren't that busy - you don't have a job or a family. What do you do all day? I wish i was living your life. Hey you gotta pay the bills some how - use it or lose it. It must be nice being rich and not having to work (sarchasm). Hey after all, it's music and it's what you enjoy - music isn't a job it's a gift. You were born being able to play. You should just play for free. Besides, there's a lot of great musicians out there who will jump to fill your spot.

Well this is my reply to that mentality. I don't like it. I sometimes put myself in those situations - less and less lately. I say no now on a regular basis, knowing that my time is valuable. Here are some reasons its not worth it.

- If i don't enjoy the job
- If i have to wear a costume
- If i have to play at the same place every week
- If i don't get paid enough
- If i don't choose the music
- If i have to sit around doing nothing for long periods of time
- If i have to drive far or in rush hour
- If i have to be there early in the day
- If i have to rehearse without pay to play other peoples' music
- If i have to advocate someones religeon through my participation
- If i have to smile
- If the sound system is bad or poorly run
- If there is a conflict of management
- If there is bad communication
- etc

I have found that i am more happy selling or manufacturing goods to sell in a trade market - online in particular, shipping and recieving from my house.

I have found that i cannot perform unless I am advocating only myself and my own ideas.

I have found that i should do what i believe in and follow my heart and stay independant from people who try to control me for their own desires.

I have found that a line must be drawn and repected.

My time is worth a lot to me, and how i spend it is important to me.

When i perform someplace, I must rehearse and put my best forward or i will hate what i do. There is no such thing as a small or easy job. When i perform it has to be great. And great means - my best - and my best means my greatest potential... which includes my ability to be creative, and a agreat performer, confident in my presentation and my performance. There is no such thing as a small gig and no small amount of money will allow me to play a small gig. I try to play where i am happy and i do not refuse money when all else is well. It is in times when i am doing what is most natural for me that i find it most suitable and appropriate to collect a fee.

poem right now

The things i love are few and are not plenty
The things i love are not adored by many
I celebrate my love for life with one among a million
With two I raise my glass out of 2 million souls unwilling

True beauty's only found amongst the truest shame
Without it ugliness would not egsist or have a name
A profit for the soul won't come without a cirtain end
to some deep hidden luxury you cherrish as a friend

I want to lose myself inside a world of my design
Instead I swirl and tumble with my head in my behind
This day will be my past and I will bury it below
No Marker will betray me and so not a soul will know

I am a living secret and a mystery for sure
A living life experiment to which i have no cure
I am a silent lullaby from lips of crimson red
and one day i will fly above the clouds if i endure

The Beautiful Child Inside Me

Just was listening to my music from days gone by - i never made a serious album but i have all these pictures of this bueatiful evocative music and now I'm ready to make it happen.

I want this child to live - to emerge and to become my reality instead of be pushed back inside its shell.

I'll take a few months off so i can do this.

now

When You Don't Answer

You make me feel stupid when you dont answer me
When I tell you something and you stay silent
I'm not acknowledged or important
You try to make my words go away by ignoring them

You make me feel like my older brothers did when they would ignore me
They were bigger than me, better than me
I was in need of communication and they just pushed me away
I've found a life where I'm respected - except by you when you don't answer

Like an avalanche my confidence comes crashing down, down to your level
Once sliding, i can't seem to stop, until all my virtue has been raped from me
But every day i try again, and i get up with hope that we will see eye to eye
All i hope is for you not to stay silent

When you're silent sometimes it makes me want to yell
Sometimes it makes me want to leave you
Because of the way i feel it makes me plan an escape everyday
I don't feel important in any good way

Sometimes i wonder what words your hiding
Or what thoughts you can't find words for
Sometimes i think you don't have any thoughts any more
Because you've given up on yourself as a succesful mate

I wonder why we're together
I wonder why we try
When we don't hear ear to ear
And we don't see eye to eye

You make my life become a really bad plotless movie
It has no moral and no heros
It's just a tizzy of emotions and fighting
We make up sometimes for a while

You're my girlfriend and most of the time I can't stand you
You say you love me but i don't see it
You say one thing and those words don't stand up
You need, you want, you expect, you judge

Everything you accuse me of it's something you hate about yourself
You keep silent most of the time, and i walk away yelling at my life and hitting walls
I think of all your failed relationships and I grow less confused about why
You seem to focus on the end and you can't live in the now

I try to talk to you about your life
I try to tell you about mine
I try to talk about the issues in my heart
And you don't answer

I hate you for this sometimes
I hate you for it
...

Why should you change? I try and try and you say you're trying to
We've both "tried" so we say - and both have failed
I haven't reached you and you don't want me to
You're afraid to give me what we both need - vulnerability

At the end of this letter, I'm sickened, by the place I've allowed myself to be in
I'm disgusted by our lack of love and lack of effort
I'm tired of my life being so generic, so stale
I'm angry at you for not feeling the way it hurts me

You don't talk about your feelings unless you're mad
You expect failure from your first word
You defend yourself in your tone of voice
You whine every request before i have a chance to serve you happily

I'm tired of writing this neverending blackness
Maybe i can just turn away and shut up
Maybe I can be more like you

damn it!

Why can't i just be free? Everyone i know just wants to lock me into a program.

articulation of soul

well - in my life, i suppose things are looking up - I'm often bombarded with things that don't fit together - but lately - they're fitting better but still not perfect - in fact, i believe i have been the one to adapt and change to my stimuli. I've become more tollerant of variety in others, and less judgemental - alltho i can still pounce at opportune times. I can still defend myself, tho lately, I try not to be intimidated by accusations.

I do find still, that others create their own rules about their life, according to what things they find comfortable. It seems apparent to me that others will often develop their young life according to their peers and their social environment, giving in to the stimuli around them, only to become something they didn't plan on becoming, and then, faced with a crossroads to change or stay what they have been made into, they often choose to stay the same but change the rules they hang onto in order to justify and define their comfort zone.

I have a problem with these types that I find myself being so different from, in that they dont live up to my standards, and that causes conflict, both within myself in regards to my thoughts about them in my plans as well as without myself, in regards to how they actually respond to me and accuse me.

So, i have had a tendancy to group people into two groups - like me and unlike me. So thats been my way for so long. Now what? I'm trying to get along with more people but not trying to be like them. Why? I dont really know. Maybe because in life, we cant ALWAYS choose who we're around. In life, we might find ourself in prison of sorts, not able to escape the presence of unlike minds. But how do we persist in peace with these minds without becoming corrupted, changed, put at odds with them? Well, I remember that iron sharpens iron. Two strong minds will sharpen one another while at odds. It may not be fun and it may lead to a small war. There's nothing great about that - it's subjective. But, a great person, in my opinion, loves progress in regard to greater knowledge and peace. I belive a lot of strife comes from frustration, and a lack of understanding within ones own ideas and processes as well as equally within the area of communication with others. If one is not at peace and facil with one's self, then it manifests itself in ones daily walk. However, this is greatly multiplied outside of that person, in the space between that self and others when in confrontation, because of the lack of facility to explain, rebut, refute, use tact, refrain, restrain, and basically control one's self. We're all in need of self control and self knowledge. We sometimes think we know ourselves when we come to find out that we only really know what we've primarily been taught to know about ourselves. But articulation of the self takes a lot of strength and the self soon grows tired if not in practice.

It takes exersize, and moments of oasis. It takes drive and hope, and people who believe in you.

I believe in the truth. Truth is a word that may or may not have meaning. Everyone potentially has a differnt definition of truth. So be it. I can't change others thoughts unless i plea my own with respect for myself and others. But as i said, i have lately chosen to change myself a little rather than try to ridicule others to bend to what i believe they should do by my standards.

I still have the problem of judging others. How can i go on without judging my world? I feel it's a part of learning... i look at something and ask, "what does that mean?" and then i come up with a guess. That's the truth - is that much of what we believe is actually a guess. But we as humans, from our very nature, must believe something. I believe this is our imagination. Whatever we imagine, we may potentially belive. While some instances may be more obvious that others, we are still individually free and able to belive as we wish... right down to the smallest grain of articulation to the biggest ray of sunshine. We have to choose what we believe to be real, to be true, to be accepted or challenged within ourselves.

The soul who lives according to what he/she truly believes becomes strong and protected against attacks. The soul who achieves faith in what he or she onced questioned, and finds something he or she can hold onto and stand on firmly, will be a strong and solid rock his/herself, able to hold others at bay and have influence on his/her peers.

sept 15th - read here

the same things still seem to be true... I am just who i thought i was. I try to grow, to change, to make others happy by changing who i am - and it never works. I try to contribute in ways others would like - and it never works. I try to contribute in my own way, and others just try to change me, or to put me in a box and say - "do that again."

I'm at my wit's end and i am not really sure what to think or do - as if I've come to the edge of my world - perhaps there is something in the darkness that lies beyond.

I can go on taking one little step at a time, learning to paint, to play chess better, to be in this band, or that band, or whatever - but the truth is, I dont want to do anything outside of my home. Right now, I have no home of my own but i am staying at a friends house rent free. I dont even feel right being there. I never settle - i never accept, and i'm never happy or satisfied with my life.

But my life is fine, I am blessed. But still, i feel an obligation to make good choices, to preserve my sanity and my energy - my spiritual inspiration. And it seems that its not working

slightly burnt, with news

We played tonight with the country band - I played fiddle and everything was nice. Soon the snowbirds will come back. I have been struggling with myself there. But I am finding that its where I belong and can be happy there playing, being useful and all. I just dont want to advocate any message but my own. Thats what makes me difficult. In other words, I want my own freedom to be myself and for my voice to be my own... in how I dress, what I say and what I play. So far, I'm free to play my solos how I want and that is great. I got this sewin machine - it looks about 50 years old. I have to learn how to work it. I have no idea how to use a sewing machine hands on. I can't wait to make my shirts look tailored and to fit me really prefect so i dont have to worry about it.

This radio I bought at the thrift store sounds so smooth. Its about 50 years old its own self. It's an old panasonic and sounds so smooth and mellow. I'm listenin to "jazz till dawn" and I love it. I mean - I dont just love it, it becomes me. It's like buttered toast, slightly burn, with news.

Tomorrow morning I'm leaving for Alaska. My dad plays with me and we are also bringin Mom. We'll be there a week. We're flyin.

I'd like to make some really heavy serious recordings with a stereo mic or just some great mics, and only use old or acoustic stuff, really artsy, heart related, soul, find a natural occurance of organic music spontaneous perhaps, moving - rooms, halls, stairwells, experimental atmospheres, real and fantastic.

juice

the best juices are the natural ones - the ones that arent artificial - the ones that grow where they're meant to grow. I have juices of my own. Sometimes, I have to squeeze out artificially inspired juices and those are not really any good. In fact, they give juices a bad name.

Lately I'm trying more and more and getting closer to being natural and productive like a good fruit. I dont feel the preasures of production - to produce a quantity and type of juice they want. I sell juice, and i am somewhat of a merchant of juice but I'm not selling something i dont know anything about. I'm selling you me. I'm selling you the true real me. That's taken some time to discover and develope - as there have been so many with a hand in who I was - and who i was chosen to become. But gradually i shook off what was bothering me and took my own wheel in my hands. Its an everyday adventure.

I'm gonna play some music now here at this venue. All organic natural juices are scheduled for delivery.

Yourself

Taking care of yourself is so important. Its so true that you should, as the saying goes, "remove the plank from your own eye so you can see clear to remove the speck from someone else's eye."

In particular, lately I've been at odds with the band I play with on Saturday nights in this big nice church. We have all this stuff and its good stuff, although, for our particular personell configuratin on stage, we're not set up to sound good to ourselves. Yes, however, it sounds good in the ears of the people who are on the side of the speakers where the sound man is, but on stage, we have our own special sound system and noone to run it with a sympathetic ear, and on top of that, we have like 15 people on stage... and each of them has specific needs...

Here's the problem... We are opressed by the powers that be, in that we are contrrolled on stage so as not to offend the audience out there off the front of the stage watching us, listening, etc. We're set up to play on electronically triggered drums that emit an electronic analog signal that is reproduced by speakers on stage and in the auditorium, much like an electronic keyboard works but with the sounds of prerecorded drums that are triggered at different levels of intensity depending on how much the electronic trigger is disturbed. Now here the problem is, we can not hear the drums unless we have a nice big fat speaker right near by us, or else we use headphones, which can't give us the feeling of the drums shaking the air and hitting our bodies. Well, this is usually the way they do it in the studio so i shoulnd't complain, but I for one, do not use headphones on stage. This seppartes us from the audience and I think its really bad. So i depend on the sound and acoustics of the air around me. If I'm to be happy, I have several requirements to request of the powers that be in this department. Chances are, I may face opposition. But in order for me to hear, i need a nice big speaker. right under me, and it needs to be mixed in a way in which i can be convined I am having a creative interactive, fun, fullfilling useful experience.

Now, the concensus is that its better to sound good out front than to the actual performers of the music. My problem with that, is that music is a spiritual gift from God, that can be abused and cheapened and ultimately, the life which it is supposed to represent is not present at all in its delivery, causeing people who witness it to be disheartened and hopeless. The solution is for us to make every effort to have a spiritual experience on stage so that once the music reaches the targeted listeners, it is containing the life, as fully intact as possible, which gave birth to it on stage and furthurmore, withing our very souls at that very moment.

When there are sound problems, i have personal problems, altho i make efforts to not let it show. But at this point, I'm making every effort to communicate my needs to the powers that be.

A Band?

Well as i planned, i started solo and now interest is being generated for my band. In other words, people want me to play with a band. Hmmmm I say... hmmm. I've been through a lot of band experiences but most have been short because i dont like tollerating the limitations. Limitations are fine for me if I have agreed to them before hand, or if i have set the boudaries and outlines themselves. If I were to work wiht other artists as myself, I would have to choose the music, and choose the songs i would head up and set up and lead in my name. The other artists would have to be happy to work with what I give them, and if they are good, they'll like it, because Im good and I understand what its like to need freedom and structure to apply your freedom to. But other musicians who dont understand that, might have insecurities that they won't be aware of until they waste my time. I'm all for auditions and natural gradual assimilation. Also, some players might be able to pick it up from the charts I make. I think I'll make those charts soon. I'll have to make them in a simple format more easily read - I'll not use the number system but I'll use the actual old school chords. My songs dont change keys - I already know what key i sing them in. So I'll have these made primarily for the bass player... and eventually for a keyboardist perhaps. But I'm looking to do a trio sound first and work out the feels for the drummer and bass player for now.

This has to happen right away. I'm doing a number of small things at the moment - trying to get my clothes tailored, and myself looking good... i got my hair trimmed up and I'm tryin' to style it so it's dependable and not ever changing. Well... eventually I'll have to set myself on a style, an attitude, and what not... anything could happen. I'll probably go with some makeup and home made clothes.... sorta goth in a way but my own style... and others in my band can be however they freakin wanna be... as long as they arent too average. they just have to be cool and good hearted and a heart and soul for art and music.

I'm a little tiny bit preoccupied with something right now... not sure how my personal life is changing right now. No I'm not turning gay. That's all I'll say for now.

Some people in the complex I live in are being cool with me lately - hmmmm does it have soemthing to do with my new clean cut look? HAHA. Well I like when poeple are open with me and acting cool with me.

I'm playing 3 more gigs this weekend. When do I get paid? Ah I think I get paid for four gigs .. hmm just thinkin outloud why am i writing this? Brings up a point tho - money IS a part of my life - and so is art and I dont have a dedicated work job - I DO blend the two and it takes a tricky ballance.

It looks like I will be expanding down to Sarasota soon. It's pretty cool I can choose a little bit where I play. i do want to be faithful first of all to my church gig and then to my gig here in town (you know who you are) and to ballance those two.  Then, I wanna use the rest of my time to expand and stay diverse. My buddy Danny has been great about that - he gives me encouragement - not in a condescending way but because he's sharing what he's going through in his own music endeavors as well.

Well I have to get a band together. I guess I'll call up some old friends and see what they're up to... the really good ones... and see what they really wanna do with music - and if what i have to offer is of interest to them. At least I have a firm start with what I'm doing. I dont have to compromise so much thanks to that.

So anyways. I'm at starbucks as usual. I'm gonna browse online some and then head back home.

Peace

Making Choices

Well here I still am - in St Petersburg Florida - Downtown... now in a starbucks not far from my place of residence. Lately I've had the priveledge to make choices on how to spend my time. I'm learning to say no sometimes. I'm reminded that my time is mine alone. I dont like playing just for money - I like playing first for the art and maybe second for the money - but there's also the social choices and the environments that give me choices. I'm learning where i belong and where I dont belong. People say they wanna make money - and they wanna play with me - and make money. Well thats fine for some people... in fact i agree I wanna make money too - but to them that means playing really crappy music. I can't do that. I need to always feel sensitive to the person of music. if noone stands up for art and music, It'll be abused and misused like a cheap drug and then become taboo, outcast. It's happened already and I'm tryin to hang on to my own. It's my child. It's what makes me go on and on even after I'm gone. It's my legacy and I'm very protective and passionate about the organism that I produce and cultivate. It does have a mind and life of it's own, just as our own minds have a mind of their own. We dont know always why we feel or think the things we do. We dont know what makes us ask questions, but it can be damaged, quieted, mutated, artificially and chemically altered, institutionaly quieted and formalized and controlled. That's why I make the choices I make. A lot of what I choose to do is in an effort to remain free and to remain potent. I have a love for life and I wanna make mine worthwhile and the standards I set for myself are different that of those around me. It's somewhat of a battle but I'm learning what sacrifices are strategically benificial. I've always liked the idea of living instinctively as if on autopilot. I dont like making choices but to me, that's the bridge and the door to freedom. I believe freedom is gained by those who make sacrifice, those who know the value of freedom and are willing to let go of the encumbrences around and within them in order to attain freedom. The choices I make get me there, or they get me farther away from that freedom.

Getting Established!!!

Finally I have regular work. Now I have no doubt I can support myself right here in GOOD OLE ST PETE!!! I see myself staying here a while and any traveling i do will end up right back here in St Pete. I'm gonna keep my room at the place I'm stayin and I'm gonna just put down roots. I'm so glad I've gotten this far. before i came here, i knew it was the best thing to do and finally I was right... with Robby's help, I got a place to stay of my own. Now, I just am rising to the occassions and keeping up with everything. I'm playing my music here and there and thats about all I do - other than just hang out once in a while. Basically I'm in the middle of everything i love.

settling in

I woke up today in a daze. Last night I dreamed of an old "girlfriend" that didn't pan out. I dreamed she liked me and was being nice to me and that she was doing her best and was a good person. I guess today i felt sentimental - but strong in a way, not caring about the technicalisties and frustrations of everyday life - i got a few things done, as I drifted numbly through my day. I bought some printer supplies for business cards, CD's for demos. I returned my dsl package, cancled everything that had to do with verizon. I'm hoping to just get a pcmcia wireless card and hook up with 802.11g or whatever cause I'm downtown and can probably get some pretty good connections to the internet somehow. I'm about to look into that. Me and Robbie have to record a demo asap. Tonights a bad night cause I'm running errands and fixing computers most of the day and night. I dont even have time to write any more here.. Peace

-Matt

sunday night downtown

I got up around 2 or so finally - and fixed up the room most of the day. Its great having Robbie around - but we didn't see each other much all day. I was pretty tired too. I'm gonna try and start getting to bed before 4 am. I fixed up the room nice - its just a start tho. Its got everything i need... Its a great place to work and relax and have no stress. My music studio and gear are all set up all nice. its somewhat impressive to walk in a see. I can't wait to fix it up the rest of the way. But anyways - i went out and walked around earlier today and then again tongiht. I ate beans and peanut butter in my room and pizza while i was out. I watched a movie in my room too while i worked on some tracks. I think the tracks are done... me and robbie are workin on these 20 tracks that I'm making to perform with. I think 20 at a time is a good amount to go with. These are classic rock and the next batch with probably be originals... but only a total 8... 4 of mine and 4 of his. Then i think we'll tackle a few jazz type tunes. I'll be able to sing, play leads, and maybe robbie can sing some of them too. Especially the new orleans type stuff. You have to know every style of music. There's a lot of oportunity here to get started but traveling later is a given. Well i better get to bed. Its good to write a little.

Just Moved!!!

Here I am in this hotel room, which is now my new home. Its just one room, and a bathroom. ALL MINE! I like this. Its so simple - i only have to worry about what I can see... no worries about what is outside of me. If I stay in this room, I wont be disturbed.

Me and Robbie have a lot of work to do. We have to rehearse, record and get gigs, and try and make a living in this world. We have each other, we're both lucky. Also, he's such a big help, since he works here, but not just that, we've been friends a few years.... something like 6-7 years i suppose. I'm lucky to have a handful of friends I've known that long but none have been as generous and as ambitious Robbie. He never stops giving of himself. I'm still not sure where he gets so much inspiration and positivity from. I know he believes in God. Through it all, he definately still believes in God.

I like my room, and I'm lucky to get moved in here. I'm far enough away from mom n dad but not too far to go home once a week. I do hate routines that i can't break away from. I like for the things i do to be discretional. Thats my definition of success... to have a choice and have options for everything you do. To be able to do what you want, when you want, and the way you want it. I have no lease here, no phone contract either.... yet i have internet access, a cell phone and a place to live all my own. I'm gonna try and keep the noise down.

I have to find work. I have a few jobs here and there but i need something solid and dependable. The more i see things around here, the more ideas I'm getting for acts. I think i can put together a mellow type of act that will go over very well in the jazz clubs.

Ok i need to try and get to bed.

-ya know... i never get any emails, and i dont have any friends online any more. I used to be all about that stuff... and i miss it but gradually as i stopped being home, and started traveling, and working all over the place over the years, I've lost touch. Its ok i guess... it has to be. i wonder what shannon's doing right now.

Matt