I'm not afraid to show weakness but i don't do it for pity. I do it because sometimes i am weak, and i like to explore my dynamics... my ups as well as my downs.
I've started to notice and accept that my childhood friends are all gone.
Also, I'm starting to accept that having a good friend that will always be there for me is no longer a reality. I've always had that until last year.
This is a hard time in my life. Everything is stacked against me right now, but even so, I've tried hard to see through the blockages and find something hopefull and act upon that thing.
I have a lot of internal issues.
I have anger problems rising that i never had before. And here I am a child in the body of a 30 year old. I've gotten by fine until now.
The logic I used to have that drove me, dones't make sense anymore.
I dont know what my motivation is anymore and I dont like how that makes me feel.
My mind is so distorted right now.
I get really nasty towards people that i let into my life if they betray me.
I'm getting good at cutting insincere people out of my life without a second thought, because of the pain that i've been caused in the past from them.
But this dones't help me. its just me getting reveng on life and it dones't really help me get ahead.
I know a place that loves me - Sacred Grounds coffee house in tampa florida. I love them too.
I hate my life! I want to change - i always try to change the inside of me first when something is wrong... but you have to do both... sometimes at the same time...
Usually the only thing that makes me feel less trapped at times like this is packing all my things.
I have this whole attitude of this right now:
-nothing is working out
-i can't get to the bus station
-transportation is too much money
-i hate the town i am staying in
-progress is just going too slow
-i have no support group
-theres no soul in my lifestyle
-theres no foundation
-i give up
-i've learned that i am broken
-i've learned that i am damned
-i've learned that having friends is a priveledge that I can no longer afford.
-I feel hopeless
-all my dreams are dust now